Babyhouse Closing

              So, I have some sad, crazy, somewhat unexpected news to share. For financial reasons, the orphanage that I am working in will be closing by the end of November. The children will remain in the foundation but will no longer all be living here. The boys' home will move into this house. I will still be living here, and the boys from the baby house will be able to stay with the older boys who are moving in. How this is going to change my position here, I don't know yet. Prayers for the kids as they all will have major adjustments, (new staff, new homes for some of them, and new kids that they will be living with.) 

            As for me, I don't quite know what to think. I have known for some time that this was a possibility, but it didn't seem like it was actually ever going to happen, or at least not until after Christmas. It won't be the same around here, and I am sad that I won't be able to celebrate Christmas with all the kids. Sure, I can go visit the girls and see the boys (since I'll live here still) but it won't be the cozy, comfortable, fun, familiar, Christmas-with-little-kids-that-I-know-and-love, that I had been looking forward to. Not that it can't still be nice, but with totally new staff and mainly new kids (and those kids being all boys aging from 6-10) it will be very, very different. In addition to being sad about missing Christmas with my family and now the kids, I am also nervous about the changes, I can speak Spanish, but I don't like doing so if it is not with these kids, the tias that I am now friends with, or my teachers. This change will bring a bunch of strangers living/working where I live, and I will probably have to talk to them at some point. ;) Also, despite my frequent dreaming and planning, I am not particularly fond of (particularly un-meditated) change. 

             For this week, that is the biggest thing that I have to report. I would greatly appreciate prayers for all the details and emotions for everyone involved. 

                  God is good and has a good plan, He has known all along that this would happen. While I'd love to know what is going to happen, but He already knows and will be glorified and will reveal His plan in His time.

Mi Vida Loca

     I was greeted by a warm hug from Josue and an indignant question,
    "Tia, where have you been? It is already past snack time. Where are the cookies?" Raquel ran up to second the inquiry. I laughed as I realized that Friday I had told a couple of the kids that Saturday was going to be a baking day. Saturday came and went without accomplishing baking, I apologized and promised that I would bake some cookies this afternoon. Jose Luis kept popping in and out of the kitchen to make sure I was actually baking cookies. I was chatting with my mom whilst baking, Jose Luis kept trying to talk to her.
     "Are you going to come here?" He kept asking her. He refused to accept my words that she couldn't come because she lived too far away, he wanted her to answer.
     "But she doesn't speak Spanish," I told him.
     "Say something in Spanish." He demanded of my mother. She responded by telling him that she does not speak Spanish, "You don't speak Spanish?" He repeated back, then he transitioned rapidly to say, "Tia Susannah is making yummy bread!" (well... I use dough to make cookies, and they aren't hard like the store-bought, animal cracker like cookies that the kids normally eat... so I guess cookies qualify as "yummy bread.") Then as the time came for him to say goodbye to my mom and dad, he said repeatedly, "You behave now, okay?" (They were talking to each other and didn't realize that he was talking to them, that's why he was repeating himself.) I guess that he assumes that is a good way to say goodbye since we tias say that to him when we drop him off at school or get off our shifts, or just leave the room!
   
     I was sick for the first couple days of this week, (like, in bed as soon as I got off my shift-) so that made my days not so pleasant, but the last couple days of the week were nice! Friday was my favorite week-day with the kids since I started working mornings!

     I just had to take a short break from writing because Daniel was calling my name incessantly, so I opened the door and found a little group of sopping wet boys outside my door. The bathroom door was closed, I opened it to find a soaked tia with her hand over an open pipe. "Do you know anyone who can help us?" She asked, half desperately, half laughing. I called a friend and handed my phone to a tia. Abraham came up to me sobbing because he had gotten wet, "I want to change!" He wailed.
Jose Luis was pretending to freak out because he was soaked, but he likes getting wet so...
Josue was shivering and giggling, Daniel was trying to enter the bathroom because he wanted to get in on the spontaneous water park, Damaris was on her hands and knees on the ground, with a little sponge, trying to clean the rather large puddle of water, and Santiago had his pants hanging around his ankles and was chasing Yobani across the porch. It was quite the scene.

    I know I say it a lot, but I am really adjusting to life here, I wish I could have adjusted sooner, but God knows His timing and His ways are best. Through my time of "not being adjusted" He taught me so much. It really is amazing though to finally be comfortable, and with my new schedule, I have more availability in the afternoons to get together with friends! (Something that I have wanted to do with people from my language classes but have thus far been prevented from because of my schedule.) In addition to that, I am loving baking on the weekends and sharing what I make with the kids and tias. It is so fun for me to make food and have people enjoy it. Being on my own and only cooking for myself has turned cooking into a boring necessity, but now that I am sharing it with people who like it, it makes it fun again! Earlier this week, I had made cookies and shared them with the kids at snack time. Raquel leaned over and whispered in my ear,
    "Tomorrow you are going to make empanadas to share with us," then, glancing across the room at the other tias, she added, "but don't tell anyone that I told you to!"

     Another event that happened this week I already shared on Facebook, but for the sake of posterity, I will share it here as well. ;)

I was casually talking over Skype with my mom when I saw something out of the corner of my eye run from underneath my door directly under my bed. I like to think I'm brave, but seeing a large rat invading my cozy abode uninvited was FAR too much. I screamed one blood-curdling scream, and then promptly lost all sense of reason and started tearing up. There was NO way I wanted to get off of my bed while the rat was there, but neither did I want to stay in my room with the presumptuous rodent of unusual size. My mom advised me to scream louder to get the night tias' attention. My first thought was to text my friend's husband (they live ten minutes away) then I wouldn't have to leave my bed... but I was imagining the rat climbing my quilt and joining me on my bed and that was enough to thoroughly chill me to the bone. In my confusion, I managed to hang up on my mom. Working up enough courage to leap over Niagara Falls, I stepped on tiptoe as far away from the edge of my bed as possible, willing the rat to stay under my bed. Then I yanked the door handle... it didn't open. It was locked, my shaking hands managed the lock and I fled barefoot and trembling to the babyhouse.

The house was quiet and I couldn't find the tias. I mounted the stairs but didn't see anyone, on my way back down the older of the two tias peeked her head around the corner and called my name teasingly. I was hoping beyond hope that my brain would remember that I speak Spanish, but I also didn't want to look like the sissy white girl... so I tried to steady my voice and asked, "Do you know anything about rats? Because there is one under my bed and I don't get along with rats."

She gasped and the other tia appeared as well, they rushed around closing the doors to the house and arming themselves with mops. 

They entered my room, the younger tia suggested that I might want to wait outside... a few minutes later after hearing lots of scuffling, they open the door and pass me my mirror "so that it doesn't get broken" and close the door again.
The older tia ran into the bathroom to close the door and find a random toy that had been left there to stick in the hole under my door. Then they began moving the kids' outdoor toys to get to the rat. They chased it back and forth, along the side of the house, behind the garbage can (which got broken in the process) and behind an old washing machine and some gas cans. (My pride was relieved to hear screeches and gasps from the very brave Bolivians as well.) When they had finally killed it, they whacked a little longer than necessary. And neither wanted to touch it through the plastic bag to throw it away.
Then they decided to regale me with stories about how "this rat is big, but I've seen even bigger!" (Proceeding to indicate the size of a foot long rat) then the other tia began to talk very seriously how we must be careful because rats carry diseases and sometimes have rabies and have been known to chase people and bite them.

A few minutes later the rat and both tias come flying out of my room, 

    "do you want to climb onto something?" The younger tia asked. 

They started laughing and said that they had heard me scream but had decided that it must have been someone passing on the street. 

    Oh, and another neat thing that God has done in my heart is to change my disappointment about not being able to come home for Christmas, to thankfulness that I will be able to spend it with these kids.
It is crazy, but on Tuesday it will be 18 weeks until I am boarding a plane to return home. This year is flying by!

That about sums up my week!

Have a joy-filled week!

Identity

    Christ Jesus was poured out on my behalf, sought me and paid the highest price that He could ever pay, and He gave me a home in Heaven and the riches of His love and grace... Not for anything that I have done, but because He chose to. He gave His life on the cross so that I could be redeemed. That is the most important part of my story, that is my identity, what makes me who I am- His beloved child. But does my life really reflect that?

   This week, with my new schedule, I have consistently found myself drained by lunchtime, I get frustrated because the kids don't listen to me. There was one day when I leaned against the wall outside, hidden from any windows or video cameras and cried. I was holding a two-year-old in my arms (who had been escaping from me) another two-year-old had run into the kitchen (someone else told me that they would get him) I had no idea which side of the house the two three-year-olds had run off to, and the other two-year-old I had left with another Tia to wash her hands. Santiago (the one in my arms) looked at me with big eyes and stopped kicking, his little hands patted my cheeks and I leaned my head against his soft cheek. "Why aren't you obeying me?" I asked him pathetically. He didn't answer, but he also didn't hit me, (which is what he had been doing often that morning) so that was a step in the right direction.

   I felt inadequate and underequipped... I felt like a failure. "I should never have kids, nor adopt, nor foster. I just can't do it, I can't be calm and patient, I'm not showing Christ. In fact, I should probably not even get married. Ever." I told myself in my frustration. (Thankfully, my ability to follow Christ doesn't come from myself but from Him who loved me and gave Himself for me.)

    I realized about halfway through the week that part of my overwhelmedness came from wanting to prove that I wasn't the "stupid American who knows nothing about children" (Bolivians raise children in a different way than I am accustomed to. Especially because they have all sorts of rules at the orphanage that I wasn't ever told until I was doing it wrong.) I was trying to prove to myself and to everyone else, that I could handle the kids well, I wanted the kids to perform well so that I would look good. I was seeking my identity through my young charges. That is not only horribly unfair to the kids, but also idolatry on my part. My identity does not come through what people think of me, how my charges behave, or anything along those lines. My identity can only come from Christ. Sure, my identity could be found in myself, in what people think or in how many kids I can get to obey me at any given moment... But I will end my life with a history of being overwhelmed, stressed, constantly striving to be better than the next person. If my identity is not found in my Savior, my attitude will be more focused on glorifying myself than on glorifying my Savior. What a tragedy it would be to live my entire life building myself up, only to get to Heaven and realize that I am nothing, and I wasted valuable time when I should have been lifting up and exalting the Lord of Heaven and earth.

    I keep being reminded how fleeting this life is. Sometimes the things of earth seem so tangible, and real... It can appear to be a shame to spend this life in "drudgery," to give up dreams and pursuits and exchange them for the way of Christ, that has been promised to bring trials and persecutions of various kinds. To live a life focused and intent on glorifying Christ requires a denial of self, and that doesn't feel so good to my human flesh. I love Psalm 73 as it outlines this and then the beautiful realization, (as it says in Psalm 16:6 "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." )

"But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked."

Psalm 73:2-3

"But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end." 

Psalm 73:16-17

"Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."

Psalm 73:23-28

      In my frustration earlier this week, I forgot that God has preordained my struggles and frustrations for His glory. My attitude was not fixed on glorifying Him earlier this week, but on glorifying and "proving" myself. By the end of the week, though I realized what I was doing and tried to adjust my heart and mind, it still wasn't perfect. (And it never will be perfect.)  I'd appreciate prayer that I would continue to grow in my patience and love, even when I feel ignored, undermined, and disrespected. In all my actions, I want to be glorifying Christ, but to do so I need to take my eyes off of myself and my discomfort, irritations, and how I want to be seen by other people and I need to remember that Christ is my identity. Until I know the love that Christ has for me to the core of who I am, I will be hindered in my ability to love others. The identity that comes from me, is jealous, comparative, and self-exalting. In exchange, the identity that comes from Christ brings the love and grace of our Savior and honors HIM, the One who truly deserves honor and glory. So my prayer request this week is that my identity would be found, and firmly rooted, in the One in whom I live and move and have my being.

    Yesterday at the grocery store I picked up some headbands for the girls, apparently, all the kids took that to mean that I take requests. (I guess Fabiola had asked me for headbands at some point and I either forgot about it, or it was filed away subconsciously.) So I had a crowd of kids at my window, "Tia, you're going to buy me a ring!" "Tia, you're going to buy me a Capitan America costume!" "Tia, you're going to buy me a "Let it Go" crown." (She never says Frozen, just the name of the song, in Spanish it is actually 'Libre Soy' but 'Let it Go' is the song that she is referencing.) And the oddest request, "Tia, you're going to buy me a Santa Claus suit!" Abraham made me laugh, he remembers that I have made bread a couple times recently and shared it with them and because he's my baby, I have given him bread at various times if he knocks on my door and asks for it... (okay, so they all are my babies, but something about his smile when he asks me for something just melts my heart.) Anyway, in his obsession with bread, he looks at me with a big grin, and instead of asking for a toy, he says, "Tia, do you have any bread?" I didn't but I plan on making some today largely because of that request! 

   The fifth anniversary of Fundacion Esperanza was also this weekend. I hadn't been planning on going because no one had given me information, and since I don't work on weekends, I figured I wasn't going. However, Saturday morning I heard from three separate people asking where I was, if I could bring my camera and if I was coming. I had just finished telling one person that I'd be there at 10:30, and then the psychologist at our home, Nancy, called me and said that they were waiting for me, (the kids were going to dance) and if I was coming. So instead of 10:30, I showed up around 9:30. It was really fun, everyone was there and it was the first party since being here that I mingled and felt like a part of the foundation and understood what was going on instead of being isolated in an "I-don't-understand-this-culture-or-language" bubble. I also teared up at one point as I realized, yet again, that this place and these people are becoming a part of me and that I will miss them when I return home. (It probably aided in this realization because I found myself in a conversation about flight plans, when to buy my tickets, packing details, hearing about teams that have plans to come but that I won't be here to meet.) 

In His love and in gratefulness for His provision, sanctification and daily grace,

Susannah

Various Stories From My Week

      A change of plans leads me to be beginning working mornings tomorrow! I would appreciate prayer as I am adjusting to an entirely new schedule. However, it might be nice for a change of pace for the remaining months of my time here. Also, I have not been feeling well since my trip to Sucre, I'd also appreciate prayers for that.
     On a fun language note, yesterday my friend, Kayla, and I went to get lunch at a local coffee shop. We paid and as we were leaving I realized that the lady had managed to charge me less than she should have. I turned around and marched inside and explained the situation, we got it all figured out and walked out the door for the second time. All of the sudden I turned to my friend, I had just realized that, in my preoccupation with figuring out the math of what had happened, I had not given a single thought to the fact that I would have to speak in Spanish to explain it. (Normally, when I am with Kayla, I make her do the talking as she has been speaking Spanish longer than I have.) It was a fun, confidence building experience!
      Also, one of the middle-aged tias and I have begun to chat more, especially on our walks to pick up the kids. One day, she and I were talking and I mentioned that I am much more talkative in English but in Spanish, I prefer to listen because I don't want to mess up the language. She looked at me and said, in an almost chastising manner, "But Tia, we would help you!!!" Since then, she and I talk more often and I know that I can ask her to define words or I don't mind venturing out on the wild side of attempting the dangerous conjugations of unfamiliar verbs while I am in her presence. ;) 
     
     On Friday, I was left alone for a little more than an hour with the six of the kids, (the rest were in school.) It was fun, we sat on the floor and ate popcorn and then played a game that consisted of me pretending to be a sleeping wolf while they hid and then them running away (or in some cases beating me up) when I pretended to search for and "eat" (tickle) them. I frequently had to repeat, to two little boys in particular, "you can't hit me, I'm not a real wolf."
However, being alone with them wasn't all fun and games, it also meant that I had to be the disciplinarian (which doesn't always work for me.) Yobani kept hitting and getting angry so I took him into a corner and sat him in a chair and tried to talk to him. He was screaming and pinching my arm and scratching me. Part of me wanted to laugh, but I restrained myself.
"Do you want to hurt me?" I asked,
"YES," He wailed miserably.
"But why?" I questioned, "I don't want to hurt you."
He continued pinching but not quite as hard as before.
(please don't judge this word choice, it was the first thing that came out of my mouth.)
"I don't want you to be a brute, I want you to learn to be a good man," I told him, he looked at me with his big brown eyes filled with angry tears.
"Are you acting like a brute or a good man?" I asked him.
His chubby cheeks were slightly flushed from his fit and he looked down at his feet. "A brute."
He then switched from scratching and pinching, to stroking my hand with a gentleness that moments before had seemed quite unlikely to be bestowed upon me anytime in the near future. His little two-year-old arms squeezed my neck and I let him go play, for the rest of our time that afternoon the reminder to "be a good man" changed his attitude to a more gentle manner. It was so cute!!!
However, my disciplinarian skills didn't get me too far with four-year-old Daniel. He would listen and apologize and then go right back to disobeying. *sigh* Nevertheless, it was fun and I got them playing together as a group instead of just running around, so that felt like a success and made things much more enjoyable.

     As I am entering this new "position" in the baby house, (being the only tia with the five littles all morning) I would also appreciate prayer that, along with improving my Spanish and disciplinarian skills, I would be able to bring Christ into our mornings... I don't know exactly what that looks like, it is easier in English when I don't have to figure out what I am trying to say and fit it all in during the brief attention span that they have. Plus, it comes more naturally in English, in Spanish, I have to plan how I am going to bring it in. Don't get me wrong, occasionally it works out, but often times I get bogged down in the grammatical tenses and end up getting strange looks from the kids and I end up just giving them a hug and telling them to go play. However, I want to be able to share more of eternal value and to glorify Christ in my words as well as actions. I don't want to just be the nice tia that doesn't like giving severe punishments... I want the kids to know from the way that I speak that I love Christ and that He loves them. I think there will be more opportunity as I will be able to incorporate the songs and stories that I want, versus whatever the other tias want, plus, I will be on my own, (my Spanish confidence automatically rises when I am alone.) But I would appreciate prayers that my remaining months here would be marked by increased boldness and wisdom in how to incorporate the gospel of Christ in day-to-day life, and that none of the tias or children would be able to think that I was just on a "humanitarian mission," but on a mission for Christ. I love the verse that says that the people could tell that the disciples had been with Christ... I want people to be pointed to Christ by my manner of life. And not by what I write when I have time to think about it, but by my daily life, when I am frustrated, when I am tired, when I am sad... Those are the times especially when I want it to be clear that I serve the King of kings and Lord of lords.

    Oh, and earlier this week, five-year-old  Raquel has acquired an obsession with learning English which has transferred to several of the others. One afternoon on the way home from school I had seven Bolivian children chanting after me the numbers from 1-20 over and over again! It was a blast. It is fun to see which kids have the best pronunciation, which ones can remember the order that the numbers go in, Raquel is definitely the most inquisitive, she sat on her bed while I helped her get dressed and fired at me a steady stream of Spanish words that she wanted to know in English. She has pretty good pronunciation too. I made her try out some Russian words and she did those well too! She has taken to standing on my feet and making me walk around and she counts in English for each step. She has the hardest time with the word "three" and "sixteen."

   And I have a pile of dirt on my windowsill that I need to clean because Jose Luis brought a broom and started scrubbing my screen and wall whilst chatting with me,
"Why are you cleaning my window?" I asked him.
"Because it's dirty." He informed me, not knowing that a billow of dust was coming off of his filthy broom from the irritation of being scrubbed against the screen. It was cute though, his obsession with talking to me through my window is quite humorous. 

September Newsletter

(FYI: If you get my monthly email update then you have already seen this post.)

     I can hardly believe that it is already September, I knew that once I passed the halfway mark (August) that time would go faster, but I didn't realize quite what that meant!!! 

    Over the past 7 months, I have certainly had my very frequent days (or weeks) of missing home, but recently God has been opening my eyes to the incredible blessing that I have to be able to spend this year here with these kids. 

     This afternoon, I was in the kitchen checking on a pan of rolls that I had in the oven. (They make for great breakfast foods during the week and the other tias like them too.) I heard Marcella calling my name from the dining room, when I turned she waved excitedly. I went to give her a hug and tell her hi and she came running calling me "mama" (she's been doing that a lot lately.) Yobani hugged me too and repeated Marcella. I hate having to correct them and tell them to call me 'Tia.'

    Then when I brought my pan of bread out to my room I was swarmed by all of the kids with their hands outstretched. I gave them all some, however, a couple kept knocking on my door asking for more. 

    Fabiola loves dresses and was so excited to show me the dress that she got to wear to church today. She gave me the biggest hug when I told her that she looked pretty. 

    Josue recently proudly showed me a picture that he had made in class, it was beautiful, but his shy grin was even more beautiful, he couldn't stop talking about it. Telling me what more he was going to add and telling me all about what he had already drawn. I taught him about seeds on the way home from school, he now loves finding seeds and bringing them home to "plant" and he is very particular where he puts them because he doesn't want the plants to crash into each other when they grow!

     Especially during this month, I have had multiple experiences like this where I realize how much these kids bless me daily, their smiles, hugs, kisses, excited chatter, silly laughter and hilarious comments. I am so thankful to be able to spend this year with them, despite the fact that I miss home, I am truly thankful that I came to Bolivia. I have learned so much/am learning so much. There was a time when I didn't think I would miss Bolivia, I was just eager to return home. I visited Sucre earlier this month and I realized that I missed Cochabamba and the precious little ones here, and I was only gone two days! I am of course eager to come home, but the parting from my Bolivian home will be much more sorrowful than I originally thought. It is interesting to think back on my first impressions and my struggles, sorrows, concerns, (I'm sure I'll still have them, especially around Christmas) but God really does have a plan. His way is always best and in His presence is fullness of joy!

    I can be sad for the things that I am missing in this year away from my home, but I will never regret the year of memories, lessons, and joys of my year here in Bolivia. My eyes have filled with tears several times this month, but not for the same reasons as in previous months. Praise God! He has given me real joy and love for my life here during this time. I find myself staying in the babyhouse longer than I have to, eating my meals with the kids, and chatting with the tias more. He has filled my heart with thankfulness. 

     Yeah, I definitely still get frustrated with the kids sometimes, I definitely still have days when I just want to come home... But I also have days when I don't want Abraham's hug to end, when I don't want to silence the endless prattle around the dinner table, or let go of the sticky little hand that is gripped in mine. 

Three-year-old Marcella has figured out that I am tired all the time, so, she will often sit on my lap and ask me, "Tia, are you tired?" 

"Yes, I am always tired," I respond.

"Go to sleep!" She says. Then she makes me close my eyes and she lays her head on my shoulder and pretends to sleep too, and she pops her head up after a couple of seconds to make sure that I am "sleeping."

    My schedule is changing in two weeks, I will no longer be working in the afternoons as I have been for the past seven months. Instead, I will be working in the mornings, which might be hard to get used to. Prayers would be appreciated for that, I've been so tired the past couple months and no amount of sleep seems to help and now I won't be able to sleep in anymore. However, I am excited because I will be the only tia with the five littlest ones, therefore, I will be able to lead activities with more freedom than I have previously had. (I have always been a supporting tia, not really a "lead" tia.) 

If you would be willing to pray for God to provide Christian adoptive families for the children that would also be greatly appreciated. Several kids are available for adoption, but finding families will be almost impossible because they have special needs and most people here want "normal" kids.

                                                                                            2 Peter 3:18b

                                         "To Him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen."  

The Missionary Who Didn't Want to go to Church

     Friday marked the first day of Spring here in Bolivia, (it was as well, 'the day of love,' 'friendship day,' and 'day of the student.') What does Spring weather feel like in Bolivia? Well, it means that the lovely 70 degree days are rapidly shifting into 80-degree weather with blustery afternoons, and skies that are filled with the grey whisperings of the all-too-rapidly-arriving rainy season. 

    On Friday, the kids got to stay home from school and play in a pool that the tias had set up on Thursday. They were so excited!!! Fabiola kept hugging me and squealing as we waited for Tia Angie to tell her that she could get in, and Raquel couldn't sit still either! Unfortunately, Fabiola confided in me later that she wished she could have played in the baby pool because the big one (2-3 feet deep) scared her. Marcella was also terrified as soon as she got into the pool, she held to the edge and wouldn't move a muscle. "I'm going to fall," she said repeatedly, close to tears. Tia Erika somehow managed to do a quick change into swimwear and hopped into the pool to ease the girls' fears. Yobani and Santiago, however, were instantly enamored with the pool and proceeded to splash and squeal with two-year-old glee the entire time! 

    Saturday I went over to Kathryn and Gustavo's apartment with Kayla, and Terrilyn (another missionary) came over and most of the older girls from the transition program (many of whom are also tias at the baby house) we had pizza and watched a show. I barely spoke, because I'm very timid in Spanish, thankfully Terrilyn kept the conversation going and helped to make it a more comfortable time. I think it was fun! 

    This morning I woke up dreading going to church, I have missed a couple Sundays as it is, my friends weren't going to be there and I still don't know any other people, I was tired, and I just didn't want to put forth the effort, and I much prefer listening to sermons online from home. I texted my dad hoping that he would say, "It's okay to take time to yourself with God." Which he kind of did, but he also helped me to see my selfishness and pointed me to Christ in it. 

I realized that the verse "Do not neglect gathering together" kept going through my mind and that I really was just wanting to stay home out of selfishness. I also knew, that with the attitude I had at the moment, I would not be able to actually worship God at home. (Not that it's never okay to stay home from church, but, for me this morning it wasn't okay to stay home, and my attitude towards the church I attend was purely negative. So I, rather grumpily, got dressed and hurried to church. I walked in right at the meet and greet time, for the first time in several weeks was greeted by a lady who had introduced herself to me some weeks before. The music was an encouragement and the sermon was taught by a visiting pastor from the States on loving one another. 

   I was close to tears several times during the service, 

1- because I'm just overly emotional in general and cry quite easily these days, 

2- because I realized that I had been fighting with God about coming to worship Him, I hadn't wanted to because I was afraid of the awkwardness of being alone, but sitting in that service and singing songs of praise in the midst of the congregation, I didn't feel alone. 

    Once again, God's ways are better than my ways. Thankful for His faithfulness in working through my dad and in my own heart to go even though staying at home and listening to a sermon on my own would have been "easier." He filled me with His perfect joy and peace, even though I had woken up in discontent and frustration.

Psalm 40:16-17

"But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, 'Great is the Lord!' As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God."

                                                                        Psalm 73:28

"But for me, it is good to be near God; 

I have made the Lord God my refuge, 

that I may tell of all your works."

Sucre

    I cut my long weekend in Sucre one day short, for a couple reasons, one, I was sick and being away from home and sick is never fun. Two, notice the word I used? HOME. It was interesting to see how it felt being away from the kids and from my room, I realized, this place really has become my Bolivian home, and I will miss it once I get back to Illinois even though I will be so happy to see my family again.

"Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

 -Alfred Lord Tennyson "In Memoriam A.H.H."-

    Nevertheless, it was fun to see another part of the country and taking the bus was a good experience that I don't care to repeat. It took 8 hours of winding roads on the edges of mountains. The thought crossed my mind a couple times, "God I trust you, but I don't trust this driver!!!"  I know, much could be said for the theology of that statement, but it helped me to laugh to myself and loosen my grip on the arm of my seat, at least for that particular curve.
 Also, just sitting on a bus for 8 hours when you know that you could have gotten there in 30 mins by airplane is hard to accept. The fun part of the bus ride was getting to know the people I was traveling a little bit, and watching them interact with each other. It was a fun group to be a part of!

   Sucre is pretty and our hotel was GORGEOUS! We arrived at 4 in the morning on Friday and went to our hotel, he wouldn't let us check in until noon, but he did allow us to leave our bags in the lobby so that we didn't have to lug them with us around the city for eight hours!!!! Despite being tired, it turned out to be one of the best parts of the trip for me. It was so quiet, with no traffic and very few other people, we got to walk around and see the architecture and view the general landscape of the city without the noise of cars and busses.

   Maribel, my seat partner both ways! We also managed to get lost on Saturday and spent a couple hours wandering around, buying chocolates and souvenirs, taking pictures, and just hanging out!  (Another favorite time of mine!)

 After an almost forty-five minute drive through the dusty countryside, (and I mean dusty. In some places, it was two inches of very fine yellow dust.) we arrived at what was supposed to be a beautiful waterfall... It is the dry season, there was naught but a trickle!!! The rest of our group hiked down to see if they could find anything more, but Mary and I stayed up on top of the hill and admired the scenery. 

 

 The view from the hotel cafeteria.

  The breakfast came with the price of the hotel room, they also had an amazing coffee stand with a cappuccino maker. (Another highlight of the trip!!)

 The courtyard of the hotel. All the rooms look out into this area. 

 Most of our group at about 5 am. The dog followed us around for probably an hour!

 Me with my roommate, Mary. I haven't had many opportunities to talk with her, so it was really nice to get to know her a little bit better! 

 At a museum 

              The hotel  

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands." 

Psalm 19:1

Seasons Changing

A couple that have been very dear friends to me needed to return to the states indefinitely for a family emergency, (prayers for them would be appreciated.)

For a language victory story: There was a German girl volunteering last week and one day this week, we were chatting (in Spanish) and I asked her if she spoke English. She responded that she did. I asked which she preferred. She told me that English was easier, but then proceeded to tell a story about how switching between languages was confusing for her... In Spanish... and we continued speaking in Spanish the entire time. It was a fun sort of accomplishment! 

My dreamy mind is always occupied, but I am continually being reminded that God must be first above all the people and things that I love, and before all of my dreams, He is the One who is and was and will always be, and He gave Himself for me. He has been gracious this week to continue pointing me back to Him and reminding me why I am here, as well as giving me opportunities to serve in different ways than usual. Also, as the weeks feel to be going by faster now, I am reminded to love the children, and being here, as much as I can in every moment that I am given.

Psalm 27:7-9

"Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, 'Seek my face.' My heart says to you, 'Your face, Lord, do I seek.' Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation!"

Thursday night I am leaving Cochabamba on an overnight train with a group from my language school to spend a long weekend in the city of Sucre. I am finally venturing out to get to know a little more of Bolivia!!! 

The weather here is getting warmer which makes me think of being home, skirts, airconditioning, bruschetta freshly made from produce in our garden, volleyball, and bare feet. My rose-colored glasses graciously leave out the gnats, sticky humidity, mosquitoes, snakes, frogs/toads, and weeds. I'm actually enjoying a little bit of heat, seeing as I left Illinois in February and arrived in Bolivia just in time for their winter. 

I added pictures from a photo shoot I did with the kids, I will add the ones where you can actually see faces in the email at the end of the month! It was fun, however, the scarves, that I had taken out to keep the kids entertained while I snapped pictures, got dragged all through the dirt!!! 

My Bolivian University

     Last week (really, quite a bit of August,) I was sad and emotional and I spilled it all out into my newsletter and blogs. This week I want to make the point that, despite what it may seem like from my writing at times, God hasn't abandoned me nor have I given up. He has blessed me immensely by giving me this year to get to know Him better and to serve with the team here to these little ones that are so incredibly loved by God. I was reading earlier entries in my journal this week, I discovered an entry that referred to my time here as "my Bolivian university" Before coming to Bolivia I didn't know exactly what I wanted to study but I wanted to study something, I wanted to learn Spanish, I wanted to learn more about working with children, I considered some sort of theology course because I wanted to learn more about God... Now here I am learning more about God as I have to rely on Him, learning Spanish and spending my week with twelve rambunctious and precious children. Hence the name, "My Bolivian University."
    Having passed the half-way point in my time here, it is beginning to feel like it is going faster, or the time that remains doesn't seem as impossible, I'm not quite sure which! Realizing the time that I have left and reflecting on my time looking back and thinking on the posts I have written, I have been challenged and reminded so many times to keep in mind the eternal picture. I need to fix my eyes on Christ, the reason that I am here, and He will strengthen me and equip me to show His love to the children and tias that I work with.
    I have the amazing privilege to be able to get to know these kids, to hold them, hug them, break up their fights, scold them when they get in trouble at school, give them a kiss goodnight, read them a story, get mad at them and have to apologize and see the incredible, instant forgiveness that they show me. I get to see a few of them go home to their adoptive families, I have to hear that others have a very slim chance of ever being wanted. God has given me a year to see the reality of the life of an orphan. As a seven-year-old my mind had pictured a much cleaner, happier, more fixable situation than what reality really is.
    No matter how good the intentions, an orphanage isn't a home.
    Despite the love that I, and those I work with, have for these kids, we aren't their parents and can never take that place.
    God forgive me when I lose my patience instead of showing extra grace, they are children. They have lost their parents in one form or another. They are unwanted by the world. May my words only ever make them feel loved and wanted, no matter what they have done. Yes, they need guidance and punishments, but they don't need my sharp words of irritation. I want to love as Christ loves me.
I sin so often, but He doesn't snap or threaten, He lovingly shows me where I have sinned and directs me back to Himself. He is rich in mercy and grace. Mercy and grace are undeserved. So yes, the kids shouldn't hit each other or yell disrespectfully at the tias, but neither should I be speaking sharply back. That doesn't set an example of kindness or love. I think I have mentioned before, but it has amazed me at the way a soft word really does change a kid's attitude. (Go figure, God's word is right!)

Proverbs 15:1

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

     In life God gives us the freedom to choose how we respond in situations, we can respond in the flesh or we can take every thought captive to Christ, and by His Spirit and grace, respond in a manner worthy of the gospel. I have spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, missing my family, missing familiarity, missing Dunkin' Donuts, missing the kids I nannied for, and just missing the freedom to do what I wanted. God forgive my selfishness! It hasn't been all the time, but it has been a regular occurrence. I have failed to see the amazing opportunity that God has given me to learn and grow and love. I have failed to be thankful that I have a family to go home to in 6 months. I have failed to be thankful for a bed and food and internet. I have failed to be thankful for many things.

    Assuredly, I will fail again, but for the moment God is opening my eyes to remind me of how richly I have been blessed, and to show me how often I have forgotten to be thankful. I have had my eyes on the small picture, missing baseball games, birthdays, and holidays, and I have forgotten that I only have so much time left with these kids. I get to go home in six months, but what will I have left behind? Will I have wasted my year in self-pity, or by some miracle, can God take me in the remaining time and show His love through me to these kids? I am praying that God transforms my heart to take my eyes off myself and to cause my actions, words, and thoughts to overflow with His love and merciful kindness. 

      Christ has set me an example to walk in, He left heaven to come to earth and endure so much suffering, even death on the cross, because of His love for me, lost and dead in my sin, He came to make me His own. I want my life to reflect the overwhelming truth of His love for me, and instead, I have so often found myself complaining about wanting to be home with my family. My family is not my right, they are a beautiful gift, given to me by God, and it's good to love them, but first, my love and allegiance must be to my God who loved me and gave Himself for me. I have lost myself in myself when I should have been lost in my Savior. 

     I am sure that at some point, probably sooner than later, I will lose myself in selfishness again because I am a sinner, but I am a sinner saved by grace, and in His grace, He will call me back to Himself and reveal my sin. For now, I am thankful that He has opened my eyes to my sin and to show me the blessing that He has given me, and I am prayerful and hopeful- not the hope that is passing and frail, but the hope that is sure and steadfast- that He will transform me and make me more into His likeness and show me more of who He is and the riches of His grace that He has so bountifully bestowed upon my selfish soul that is always seeing greener grass on the other side of the fence.

Ephesians 5:1

"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

1 John 2:4-6

"Whoever says "I know Him" but does not keep His commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps His word, in Him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in Him: whoever says he abides in Him ought to walk in the same way in which He walked."

                                                                      

Psalm 118:24

"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."