Mi Vida Loca

     I was greeted by a warm hug from Josue and an indignant question,
    "Tia, where have you been? It is already past snack time. Where are the cookies?" Raquel ran up to second the inquiry. I laughed as I realized that Friday I had told a couple of the kids that Saturday was going to be a baking day. Saturday came and went without accomplishing baking, I apologized and promised that I would bake some cookies this afternoon. Jose Luis kept popping in and out of the kitchen to make sure I was actually baking cookies. I was chatting with my mom whilst baking, Jose Luis kept trying to talk to her.
     "Are you going to come here?" He kept asking her. He refused to accept my words that she couldn't come because she lived too far away, he wanted her to answer.
     "But she doesn't speak Spanish," I told him.
     "Say something in Spanish." He demanded of my mother. She responded by telling him that she does not speak Spanish, "You don't speak Spanish?" He repeated back, then he transitioned rapidly to say, "Tia Susannah is making yummy bread!" (well... I use dough to make cookies, and they aren't hard like the store-bought, animal cracker like cookies that the kids normally eat... so I guess cookies qualify as "yummy bread.") Then as the time came for him to say goodbye to my mom and dad, he said repeatedly, "You behave now, okay?" (They were talking to each other and didn't realize that he was talking to them, that's why he was repeating himself.) I guess that he assumes that is a good way to say goodbye since we tias say that to him when we drop him off at school or get off our shifts, or just leave the room!
   
     I was sick for the first couple days of this week, (like, in bed as soon as I got off my shift-) so that made my days not so pleasant, but the last couple days of the week were nice! Friday was my favorite week-day with the kids since I started working mornings!

     I just had to take a short break from writing because Daniel was calling my name incessantly, so I opened the door and found a little group of sopping wet boys outside my door. The bathroom door was closed, I opened it to find a soaked tia with her hand over an open pipe. "Do you know anyone who can help us?" She asked, half desperately, half laughing. I called a friend and handed my phone to a tia. Abraham came up to me sobbing because he had gotten wet, "I want to change!" He wailed.
Jose Luis was pretending to freak out because he was soaked, but he likes getting wet so...
Josue was shivering and giggling, Daniel was trying to enter the bathroom because he wanted to get in on the spontaneous water park, Damaris was on her hands and knees on the ground, with a little sponge, trying to clean the rather large puddle of water, and Santiago had his pants hanging around his ankles and was chasing Yobani across the porch. It was quite the scene.

    I know I say it a lot, but I am really adjusting to life here, I wish I could have adjusted sooner, but God knows His timing and His ways are best. Through my time of "not being adjusted" He taught me so much. It really is amazing though to finally be comfortable, and with my new schedule, I have more availability in the afternoons to get together with friends! (Something that I have wanted to do with people from my language classes but have thus far been prevented from because of my schedule.) In addition to that, I am loving baking on the weekends and sharing what I make with the kids and tias. It is so fun for me to make food and have people enjoy it. Being on my own and only cooking for myself has turned cooking into a boring necessity, but now that I am sharing it with people who like it, it makes it fun again! Earlier this week, I had made cookies and shared them with the kids at snack time. Raquel leaned over and whispered in my ear,
    "Tomorrow you are going to make empanadas to share with us," then, glancing across the room at the other tias, she added, "but don't tell anyone that I told you to!"

     Another event that happened this week I already shared on Facebook, but for the sake of posterity, I will share it here as well. ;)

I was casually talking over Skype with my mom when I saw something out of the corner of my eye run from underneath my door directly under my bed. I like to think I'm brave, but seeing a large rat invading my cozy abode uninvited was FAR too much. I screamed one blood-curdling scream, and then promptly lost all sense of reason and started tearing up. There was NO way I wanted to get off of my bed while the rat was there, but neither did I want to stay in my room with the presumptuous rodent of unusual size. My mom advised me to scream louder to get the night tias' attention. My first thought was to text my friend's husband (they live ten minutes away) then I wouldn't have to leave my bed... but I was imagining the rat climbing my quilt and joining me on my bed and that was enough to thoroughly chill me to the bone. In my confusion, I managed to hang up on my mom. Working up enough courage to leap over Niagara Falls, I stepped on tiptoe as far away from the edge of my bed as possible, willing the rat to stay under my bed. Then I yanked the door handle... it didn't open. It was locked, my shaking hands managed the lock and I fled barefoot and trembling to the babyhouse.

The house was quiet and I couldn't find the tias. I mounted the stairs but didn't see anyone, on my way back down the older of the two tias peeked her head around the corner and called my name teasingly. I was hoping beyond hope that my brain would remember that I speak Spanish, but I also didn't want to look like the sissy white girl... so I tried to steady my voice and asked, "Do you know anything about rats? Because there is one under my bed and I don't get along with rats."

She gasped and the other tia appeared as well, they rushed around closing the doors to the house and arming themselves with mops. 

They entered my room, the younger tia suggested that I might want to wait outside... a few minutes later after hearing lots of scuffling, they open the door and pass me my mirror "so that it doesn't get broken" and close the door again.
The older tia ran into the bathroom to close the door and find a random toy that had been left there to stick in the hole under my door. Then they began moving the kids' outdoor toys to get to the rat. They chased it back and forth, along the side of the house, behind the garbage can (which got broken in the process) and behind an old washing machine and some gas cans. (My pride was relieved to hear screeches and gasps from the very brave Bolivians as well.) When they had finally killed it, they whacked a little longer than necessary. And neither wanted to touch it through the plastic bag to throw it away.
Then they decided to regale me with stories about how "this rat is big, but I've seen even bigger!" (Proceeding to indicate the size of a foot long rat) then the other tia began to talk very seriously how we must be careful because rats carry diseases and sometimes have rabies and have been known to chase people and bite them.

A few minutes later the rat and both tias come flying out of my room, 

    "do you want to climb onto something?" The younger tia asked. 

They started laughing and said that they had heard me scream but had decided that it must have been someone passing on the street. 

    Oh, and another neat thing that God has done in my heart is to change my disappointment about not being able to come home for Christmas, to thankfulness that I will be able to spend it with these kids.
It is crazy, but on Tuesday it will be 18 weeks until I am boarding a plane to return home. This year is flying by!

That about sums up my week!

Have a joy-filled week!

Identity

    Christ Jesus was poured out on my behalf, sought me and paid the highest price that He could ever pay, and He gave me a home in Heaven and the riches of His love and grace... Not for anything that I have done, but because He chose to. He gave His life on the cross so that I could be redeemed. That is the most important part of my story, that is my identity, what makes me who I am- His beloved child. But does my life really reflect that?

   This week, with my new schedule, I have consistently found myself drained by lunchtime, I get frustrated because the kids don't listen to me. There was one day when I leaned against the wall outside, hidden from any windows or video cameras and cried. I was holding a two-year-old in my arms (who had been escaping from me) another two-year-old had run into the kitchen (someone else told me that they would get him) I had no idea which side of the house the two three-year-olds had run off to, and the other two-year-old I had left with another Tia to wash her hands. Santiago (the one in my arms) looked at me with big eyes and stopped kicking, his little hands patted my cheeks and I leaned my head against his soft cheek. "Why aren't you obeying me?" I asked him pathetically. He didn't answer, but he also didn't hit me, (which is what he had been doing often that morning) so that was a step in the right direction.

   I felt inadequate and underequipped... I felt like a failure. "I should never have kids, nor adopt, nor foster. I just can't do it, I can't be calm and patient, I'm not showing Christ. In fact, I should probably not even get married. Ever." I told myself in my frustration. (Thankfully, my ability to follow Christ doesn't come from myself but from Him who loved me and gave Himself for me.)

    I realized about halfway through the week that part of my overwhelmedness came from wanting to prove that I wasn't the "stupid American who knows nothing about children" (Bolivians raise children in a different way than I am accustomed to. Especially because they have all sorts of rules at the orphanage that I wasn't ever told until I was doing it wrong.) I was trying to prove to myself and to everyone else, that I could handle the kids well, I wanted the kids to perform well so that I would look good. I was seeking my identity through my young charges. That is not only horribly unfair to the kids, but also idolatry on my part. My identity does not come through what people think of me, how my charges behave, or anything along those lines. My identity can only come from Christ. Sure, my identity could be found in myself, in what people think or in how many kids I can get to obey me at any given moment... But I will end my life with a history of being overwhelmed, stressed, constantly striving to be better than the next person. If my identity is not found in my Savior, my attitude will be more focused on glorifying myself than on glorifying my Savior. What a tragedy it would be to live my entire life building myself up, only to get to Heaven and realize that I am nothing, and I wasted valuable time when I should have been lifting up and exalting the Lord of Heaven and earth.

    I keep being reminded how fleeting this life is. Sometimes the things of earth seem so tangible, and real... It can appear to be a shame to spend this life in "drudgery," to give up dreams and pursuits and exchange them for the way of Christ, that has been promised to bring trials and persecutions of various kinds. To live a life focused and intent on glorifying Christ requires a denial of self, and that doesn't feel so good to my human flesh. I love Psalm 73 as it outlines this and then the beautiful realization, (as it says in Psalm 16:6 "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." )

"But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked."

Psalm 73:2-3

"But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end." 

Psalm 73:16-17

"Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."

Psalm 73:23-28

      In my frustration earlier this week, I forgot that God has preordained my struggles and frustrations for His glory. My attitude was not fixed on glorifying Him earlier this week, but on glorifying and "proving" myself. By the end of the week, though I realized what I was doing and tried to adjust my heart and mind, it still wasn't perfect. (And it never will be perfect.)  I'd appreciate prayer that I would continue to grow in my patience and love, even when I feel ignored, undermined, and disrespected. In all my actions, I want to be glorifying Christ, but to do so I need to take my eyes off of myself and my discomfort, irritations, and how I want to be seen by other people and I need to remember that Christ is my identity. Until I know the love that Christ has for me to the core of who I am, I will be hindered in my ability to love others. The identity that comes from me, is jealous, comparative, and self-exalting. In exchange, the identity that comes from Christ brings the love and grace of our Savior and honors HIM, the One who truly deserves honor and glory. So my prayer request this week is that my identity would be found, and firmly rooted, in the One in whom I live and move and have my being.

    Yesterday at the grocery store I picked up some headbands for the girls, apparently, all the kids took that to mean that I take requests. (I guess Fabiola had asked me for headbands at some point and I either forgot about it, or it was filed away subconsciously.) So I had a crowd of kids at my window, "Tia, you're going to buy me a ring!" "Tia, you're going to buy me a Capitan America costume!" "Tia, you're going to buy me a "Let it Go" crown." (She never says Frozen, just the name of the song, in Spanish it is actually 'Libre Soy' but 'Let it Go' is the song that she is referencing.) And the oddest request, "Tia, you're going to buy me a Santa Claus suit!" Abraham made me laugh, he remembers that I have made bread a couple times recently and shared it with them and because he's my baby, I have given him bread at various times if he knocks on my door and asks for it... (okay, so they all are my babies, but something about his smile when he asks me for something just melts my heart.) Anyway, in his obsession with bread, he looks at me with a big grin, and instead of asking for a toy, he says, "Tia, do you have any bread?" I didn't but I plan on making some today largely because of that request! 

   The fifth anniversary of Fundacion Esperanza was also this weekend. I hadn't been planning on going because no one had given me information, and since I don't work on weekends, I figured I wasn't going. However, Saturday morning I heard from three separate people asking where I was, if I could bring my camera and if I was coming. I had just finished telling one person that I'd be there at 10:30, and then the psychologist at our home, Nancy, called me and said that they were waiting for me, (the kids were going to dance) and if I was coming. So instead of 10:30, I showed up around 9:30. It was really fun, everyone was there and it was the first party since being here that I mingled and felt like a part of the foundation and understood what was going on instead of being isolated in an "I-don't-understand-this-culture-or-language" bubble. I also teared up at one point as I realized, yet again, that this place and these people are becoming a part of me and that I will miss them when I return home. (It probably aided in this realization because I found myself in a conversation about flight plans, when to buy my tickets, packing details, hearing about teams that have plans to come but that I won't be here to meet.) 

In His love and in gratefulness for His provision, sanctification and daily grace,

Susannah

Various Stories From My Week

      A change of plans leads me to be beginning working mornings tomorrow! I would appreciate prayer as I am adjusting to an entirely new schedule. However, it might be nice for a change of pace for the remaining months of my time here. Also, I have not been feeling well since my trip to Sucre, I'd also appreciate prayers for that.
     On a fun language note, yesterday my friend, Kayla, and I went to get lunch at a local coffee shop. We paid and as we were leaving I realized that the lady had managed to charge me less than she should have. I turned around and marched inside and explained the situation, we got it all figured out and walked out the door for the second time. All of the sudden I turned to my friend, I had just realized that, in my preoccupation with figuring out the math of what had happened, I had not given a single thought to the fact that I would have to speak in Spanish to explain it. (Normally, when I am with Kayla, I make her do the talking as she has been speaking Spanish longer than I have.) It was a fun, confidence building experience!
      Also, one of the middle-aged tias and I have begun to chat more, especially on our walks to pick up the kids. One day, she and I were talking and I mentioned that I am much more talkative in English but in Spanish, I prefer to listen because I don't want to mess up the language. She looked at me and said, in an almost chastising manner, "But Tia, we would help you!!!" Since then, she and I talk more often and I know that I can ask her to define words or I don't mind venturing out on the wild side of attempting the dangerous conjugations of unfamiliar verbs while I am in her presence. ;) 
     
     On Friday, I was left alone for a little more than an hour with the six of the kids, (the rest were in school.) It was fun, we sat on the floor and ate popcorn and then played a game that consisted of me pretending to be a sleeping wolf while they hid and then them running away (or in some cases beating me up) when I pretended to search for and "eat" (tickle) them. I frequently had to repeat, to two little boys in particular, "you can't hit me, I'm not a real wolf."
However, being alone with them wasn't all fun and games, it also meant that I had to be the disciplinarian (which doesn't always work for me.) Yobani kept hitting and getting angry so I took him into a corner and sat him in a chair and tried to talk to him. He was screaming and pinching my arm and scratching me. Part of me wanted to laugh, but I restrained myself.
"Do you want to hurt me?" I asked,
"YES," He wailed miserably.
"But why?" I questioned, "I don't want to hurt you."
He continued pinching but not quite as hard as before.
(please don't judge this word choice, it was the first thing that came out of my mouth.)
"I don't want you to be a brute, I want you to learn to be a good man," I told him, he looked at me with his big brown eyes filled with angry tears.
"Are you acting like a brute or a good man?" I asked him.
His chubby cheeks were slightly flushed from his fit and he looked down at his feet. "A brute."
He then switched from scratching and pinching, to stroking my hand with a gentleness that moments before had seemed quite unlikely to be bestowed upon me anytime in the near future. His little two-year-old arms squeezed my neck and I let him go play, for the rest of our time that afternoon the reminder to "be a good man" changed his attitude to a more gentle manner. It was so cute!!!
However, my disciplinarian skills didn't get me too far with four-year-old Daniel. He would listen and apologize and then go right back to disobeying. *sigh* Nevertheless, it was fun and I got them playing together as a group instead of just running around, so that felt like a success and made things much more enjoyable.

     As I am entering this new "position" in the baby house, (being the only tia with the five littles all morning) I would also appreciate prayer that, along with improving my Spanish and disciplinarian skills, I would be able to bring Christ into our mornings... I don't know exactly what that looks like, it is easier in English when I don't have to figure out what I am trying to say and fit it all in during the brief attention span that they have. Plus, it comes more naturally in English, in Spanish, I have to plan how I am going to bring it in. Don't get me wrong, occasionally it works out, but often times I get bogged down in the grammatical tenses and end up getting strange looks from the kids and I end up just giving them a hug and telling them to go play. However, I want to be able to share more of eternal value and to glorify Christ in my words as well as actions. I don't want to just be the nice tia that doesn't like giving severe punishments... I want the kids to know from the way that I speak that I love Christ and that He loves them. I think there will be more opportunity as I will be able to incorporate the songs and stories that I want, versus whatever the other tias want, plus, I will be on my own, (my Spanish confidence automatically rises when I am alone.) But I would appreciate prayers that my remaining months here would be marked by increased boldness and wisdom in how to incorporate the gospel of Christ in day-to-day life, and that none of the tias or children would be able to think that I was just on a "humanitarian mission," but on a mission for Christ. I love the verse that says that the people could tell that the disciples had been with Christ... I want people to be pointed to Christ by my manner of life. And not by what I write when I have time to think about it, but by my daily life, when I am frustrated, when I am tired, when I am sad... Those are the times especially when I want it to be clear that I serve the King of kings and Lord of lords.

    Oh, and earlier this week, five-year-old  Raquel has acquired an obsession with learning English which has transferred to several of the others. One afternoon on the way home from school I had seven Bolivian children chanting after me the numbers from 1-20 over and over again! It was a blast. It is fun to see which kids have the best pronunciation, which ones can remember the order that the numbers go in, Raquel is definitely the most inquisitive, she sat on her bed while I helped her get dressed and fired at me a steady stream of Spanish words that she wanted to know in English. She has pretty good pronunciation too. I made her try out some Russian words and she did those well too! She has taken to standing on my feet and making me walk around and she counts in English for each step. She has the hardest time with the word "three" and "sixteen."

   And I have a pile of dirt on my windowsill that I need to clean because Jose Luis brought a broom and started scrubbing my screen and wall whilst chatting with me,
"Why are you cleaning my window?" I asked him.
"Because it's dirty." He informed me, not knowing that a billow of dust was coming off of his filthy broom from the irritation of being scrubbed against the screen. It was cute though, his obsession with talking to me through my window is quite humorous. 

September Newsletter

(FYI: If you get my monthly email update then you have already seen this post.)

     I can hardly believe that it is already September, I knew that once I passed the halfway mark (August) that time would go faster, but I didn't realize quite what that meant!!! 

    Over the past 7 months, I have certainly had my very frequent days (or weeks) of missing home, but recently God has been opening my eyes to the incredible blessing that I have to be able to spend this year here with these kids. 

     This afternoon, I was in the kitchen checking on a pan of rolls that I had in the oven. (They make for great breakfast foods during the week and the other tias like them too.) I heard Marcella calling my name from the dining room, when I turned she waved excitedly. I went to give her a hug and tell her hi and she came running calling me "mama" (she's been doing that a lot lately.) Yobani hugged me too and repeated Marcella. I hate having to correct them and tell them to call me 'Tia.'

    Then when I brought my pan of bread out to my room I was swarmed by all of the kids with their hands outstretched. I gave them all some, however, a couple kept knocking on my door asking for more. 

    Fabiola loves dresses and was so excited to show me the dress that she got to wear to church today. She gave me the biggest hug when I told her that she looked pretty. 

    Josue recently proudly showed me a picture that he had made in class, it was beautiful, but his shy grin was even more beautiful, he couldn't stop talking about it. Telling me what more he was going to add and telling me all about what he had already drawn. I taught him about seeds on the way home from school, he now loves finding seeds and bringing them home to "plant" and he is very particular where he puts them because he doesn't want the plants to crash into each other when they grow!

     Especially during this month, I have had multiple experiences like this where I realize how much these kids bless me daily, their smiles, hugs, kisses, excited chatter, silly laughter and hilarious comments. I am so thankful to be able to spend this year with them, despite the fact that I miss home, I am truly thankful that I came to Bolivia. I have learned so much/am learning so much. There was a time when I didn't think I would miss Bolivia, I was just eager to return home. I visited Sucre earlier this month and I realized that I missed Cochabamba and the precious little ones here, and I was only gone two days! I am of course eager to come home, but the parting from my Bolivian home will be much more sorrowful than I originally thought. It is interesting to think back on my first impressions and my struggles, sorrows, concerns, (I'm sure I'll still have them, especially around Christmas) but God really does have a plan. His way is always best and in His presence is fullness of joy!

    I can be sad for the things that I am missing in this year away from my home, but I will never regret the year of memories, lessons, and joys of my year here in Bolivia. My eyes have filled with tears several times this month, but not for the same reasons as in previous months. Praise God! He has given me real joy and love for my life here during this time. I find myself staying in the babyhouse longer than I have to, eating my meals with the kids, and chatting with the tias more. He has filled my heart with thankfulness. 

     Yeah, I definitely still get frustrated with the kids sometimes, I definitely still have days when I just want to come home... But I also have days when I don't want Abraham's hug to end, when I don't want to silence the endless prattle around the dinner table, or let go of the sticky little hand that is gripped in mine. 

Three-year-old Marcella has figured out that I am tired all the time, so, she will often sit on my lap and ask me, "Tia, are you tired?" 

"Yes, I am always tired," I respond.

"Go to sleep!" She says. Then she makes me close my eyes and she lays her head on my shoulder and pretends to sleep too, and she pops her head up after a couple of seconds to make sure that I am "sleeping."

    My schedule is changing in two weeks, I will no longer be working in the afternoons as I have been for the past seven months. Instead, I will be working in the mornings, which might be hard to get used to. Prayers would be appreciated for that, I've been so tired the past couple months and no amount of sleep seems to help and now I won't be able to sleep in anymore. However, I am excited because I will be the only tia with the five littlest ones, therefore, I will be able to lead activities with more freedom than I have previously had. (I have always been a supporting tia, not really a "lead" tia.) 

If you would be willing to pray for God to provide Christian adoptive families for the children that would also be greatly appreciated. Several kids are available for adoption, but finding families will be almost impossible because they have special needs and most people here want "normal" kids.

                                                                                            2 Peter 3:18b

                                         "To Him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen."