Last week (really, quite a bit of August,) I was sad and emotional and I spilled it all out into my newsletter and blogs. This week I want to make the point that, despite what it may seem like from my writing at times, God hasn't abandoned me nor have I given up. He has blessed me immensely by giving me this year to get to know Him better and to serve with the team here to these little ones that are so incredibly loved by God. I was reading earlier entries in my journal this week, I discovered an entry that referred to my time here as "my Bolivian university" Before coming to Bolivia I didn't know exactly what I wanted to study but I wanted to study something, I wanted to learn Spanish, I wanted to learn more about working with children, I considered some sort of theology course because I wanted to learn more about God... Now here I am learning more about God as I have to rely on Him, learning Spanish and spending my week with twelve rambunctious and precious children. Hence the name, "My Bolivian University."
Having passed the half-way point in my time here, it is beginning to feel like it is going faster, or the time that remains doesn't seem as impossible, I'm not quite sure which! Realizing the time that I have left and reflecting on my time looking back and thinking on the posts I have written, I have been challenged and reminded so many times to keep in mind the eternal picture. I need to fix my eyes on Christ, the reason that I am here, and He will strengthen me and equip me to show His love to the children and tias that I work with.
I have the amazing privilege to be able to get to know these kids, to hold them, hug them, break up their fights, scold them when they get in trouble at school, give them a kiss goodnight, read them a story, get mad at them and have to apologize and see the incredible, instant forgiveness that they show me. I get to see a few of them go home to their adoptive families, I have to hear that others have a very slim chance of ever being wanted. God has given me a year to see the reality of the life of an orphan. As a seven-year-old my mind had pictured a much cleaner, happier, more fixable situation than what reality really is.
No matter how good the intentions, an orphanage isn't a home.
Despite the love that I, and those I work with, have for these kids, we aren't their parents and can never take that place.
God forgive me when I lose my patience instead of showing extra grace, they are children. They have lost their parents in one form or another. They are unwanted by the world. May my words only ever make them feel loved and wanted, no matter what they have done. Yes, they need guidance and punishments, but they don't need my sharp words of irritation. I want to love as Christ loves me.
I sin so often, but He doesn't snap or threaten, He lovingly shows me where I have sinned and directs me back to Himself. He is rich in mercy and grace. Mercy and grace are undeserved. So yes, the kids shouldn't hit each other or yell disrespectfully at the tias, but neither should I be speaking sharply back. That doesn't set an example of kindness or love. I think I have mentioned before, but it has amazed me at the way a soft word really does change a kid's attitude. (Go figure, God's word is right!)
Having passed the half-way point in my time here, it is beginning to feel like it is going faster, or the time that remains doesn't seem as impossible, I'm not quite sure which! Realizing the time that I have left and reflecting on my time looking back and thinking on the posts I have written, I have been challenged and reminded so many times to keep in mind the eternal picture. I need to fix my eyes on Christ, the reason that I am here, and He will strengthen me and equip me to show His love to the children and tias that I work with.
I have the amazing privilege to be able to get to know these kids, to hold them, hug them, break up their fights, scold them when they get in trouble at school, give them a kiss goodnight, read them a story, get mad at them and have to apologize and see the incredible, instant forgiveness that they show me. I get to see a few of them go home to their adoptive families, I have to hear that others have a very slim chance of ever being wanted. God has given me a year to see the reality of the life of an orphan. As a seven-year-old my mind had pictured a much cleaner, happier, more fixable situation than what reality really is.
No matter how good the intentions, an orphanage isn't a home.
Despite the love that I, and those I work with, have for these kids, we aren't their parents and can never take that place.
God forgive me when I lose my patience instead of showing extra grace, they are children. They have lost their parents in one form or another. They are unwanted by the world. May my words only ever make them feel loved and wanted, no matter what they have done. Yes, they need guidance and punishments, but they don't need my sharp words of irritation. I want to love as Christ loves me.
I sin so often, but He doesn't snap or threaten, He lovingly shows me where I have sinned and directs me back to Himself. He is rich in mercy and grace. Mercy and grace are undeserved. So yes, the kids shouldn't hit each other or yell disrespectfully at the tias, but neither should I be speaking sharply back. That doesn't set an example of kindness or love. I think I have mentioned before, but it has amazed me at the way a soft word really does change a kid's attitude. (Go figure, God's word is right!)
Proverbs 15:1
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
In life God gives us the freedom to choose how we respond in situations, we can respond in the flesh or we can take every thought captive to Christ, and by His Spirit and grace, respond in a manner worthy of the gospel. I have spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, missing my family, missing familiarity, missing Dunkin' Donuts, missing the kids I nannied for, and just missing the freedom to do what I wanted. God forgive my selfishness! It hasn't been all the time, but it has been a regular occurrence. I have failed to see the amazing opportunity that God has given me to learn and grow and love. I have failed to be thankful that I have a family to go home to in 6 months. I have failed to be thankful for a bed and food and internet. I have failed to be thankful for many things.
Assuredly, I will fail again, but for the moment God is opening my eyes to remind me of how richly I have been blessed, and to show me how often I have forgotten to be thankful. I have had my eyes on the small picture, missing baseball games, birthdays, and holidays, and I have forgotten that I only have so much time left with these kids. I get to go home in six months, but what will I have left behind? Will I have wasted my year in self-pity, or by some miracle, can God take me in the remaining time and show His love through me to these kids? I am praying that God transforms my heart to take my eyes off myself and to cause my actions, words, and thoughts to overflow with His love and merciful kindness.
Christ has set me an example to walk in, He left heaven to come to earth and endure so much suffering, even death on the cross, because of His love for me, lost and dead in my sin, He came to make me His own. I want my life to reflect the overwhelming truth of His love for me, and instead, I have so often found myself complaining about wanting to be home with my family. My family is not my right, they are a beautiful gift, given to me by God, and it's good to love them, but first, my love and allegiance must be to my God who loved me and gave Himself for me. I have lost myself in myself when I should have been lost in my Savior.
I am sure that at some point, probably sooner than later, I will lose myself in selfishness again because I am a sinner, but I am a sinner saved by grace, and in His grace, He will call me back to Himself and reveal my sin. For now, I am thankful that He has opened my eyes to my sin and to show me the blessing that He has given me, and I am prayerful and hopeful- not the hope that is passing and frail, but the hope that is sure and steadfast- that He will transform me and make me more into His likeness and show me more of who He is and the riches of His grace that He has so bountifully bestowed upon my selfish soul that is always seeing greener grass on the other side of the fence.
Ephesians 5:1
"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."
1 John 2:4-6
"Whoever says "I know Him" but does not keep His commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps His word, in Him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in Him: whoever says he abides in Him ought to walk in the same way in which He walked."
Psalm 118:24
"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
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