Identity

    Christ Jesus was poured out on my behalf, sought me and paid the highest price that He could ever pay, and He gave me a home in Heaven and the riches of His love and grace... Not for anything that I have done, but because He chose to. He gave His life on the cross so that I could be redeemed. That is the most important part of my story, that is my identity, what makes me who I am- His beloved child. But does my life really reflect that?

   This week, with my new schedule, I have consistently found myself drained by lunchtime, I get frustrated because the kids don't listen to me. There was one day when I leaned against the wall outside, hidden from any windows or video cameras and cried. I was holding a two-year-old in my arms (who had been escaping from me) another two-year-old had run into the kitchen (someone else told me that they would get him) I had no idea which side of the house the two three-year-olds had run off to, and the other two-year-old I had left with another Tia to wash her hands. Santiago (the one in my arms) looked at me with big eyes and stopped kicking, his little hands patted my cheeks and I leaned my head against his soft cheek. "Why aren't you obeying me?" I asked him pathetically. He didn't answer, but he also didn't hit me, (which is what he had been doing often that morning) so that was a step in the right direction.

   I felt inadequate and underequipped... I felt like a failure. "I should never have kids, nor adopt, nor foster. I just can't do it, I can't be calm and patient, I'm not showing Christ. In fact, I should probably not even get married. Ever." I told myself in my frustration. (Thankfully, my ability to follow Christ doesn't come from myself but from Him who loved me and gave Himself for me.)

    I realized about halfway through the week that part of my overwhelmedness came from wanting to prove that I wasn't the "stupid American who knows nothing about children" (Bolivians raise children in a different way than I am accustomed to. Especially because they have all sorts of rules at the orphanage that I wasn't ever told until I was doing it wrong.) I was trying to prove to myself and to everyone else, that I could handle the kids well, I wanted the kids to perform well so that I would look good. I was seeking my identity through my young charges. That is not only horribly unfair to the kids, but also idolatry on my part. My identity does not come through what people think of me, how my charges behave, or anything along those lines. My identity can only come from Christ. Sure, my identity could be found in myself, in what people think or in how many kids I can get to obey me at any given moment... But I will end my life with a history of being overwhelmed, stressed, constantly striving to be better than the next person. If my identity is not found in my Savior, my attitude will be more focused on glorifying myself than on glorifying my Savior. What a tragedy it would be to live my entire life building myself up, only to get to Heaven and realize that I am nothing, and I wasted valuable time when I should have been lifting up and exalting the Lord of Heaven and earth.

    I keep being reminded how fleeting this life is. Sometimes the things of earth seem so tangible, and real... It can appear to be a shame to spend this life in "drudgery," to give up dreams and pursuits and exchange them for the way of Christ, that has been promised to bring trials and persecutions of various kinds. To live a life focused and intent on glorifying Christ requires a denial of self, and that doesn't feel so good to my human flesh. I love Psalm 73 as it outlines this and then the beautiful realization, (as it says in Psalm 16:6 "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." )

"But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked."

Psalm 73:2-3

"But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end." 

Psalm 73:16-17

"Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."

Psalm 73:23-28

      In my frustration earlier this week, I forgot that God has preordained my struggles and frustrations for His glory. My attitude was not fixed on glorifying Him earlier this week, but on glorifying and "proving" myself. By the end of the week, though I realized what I was doing and tried to adjust my heart and mind, it still wasn't perfect. (And it never will be perfect.)  I'd appreciate prayer that I would continue to grow in my patience and love, even when I feel ignored, undermined, and disrespected. In all my actions, I want to be glorifying Christ, but to do so I need to take my eyes off of myself and my discomfort, irritations, and how I want to be seen by other people and I need to remember that Christ is my identity. Until I know the love that Christ has for me to the core of who I am, I will be hindered in my ability to love others. The identity that comes from me, is jealous, comparative, and self-exalting. In exchange, the identity that comes from Christ brings the love and grace of our Savior and honors HIM, the One who truly deserves honor and glory. So my prayer request this week is that my identity would be found, and firmly rooted, in the One in whom I live and move and have my being.

    Yesterday at the grocery store I picked up some headbands for the girls, apparently, all the kids took that to mean that I take requests. (I guess Fabiola had asked me for headbands at some point and I either forgot about it, or it was filed away subconsciously.) So I had a crowd of kids at my window, "Tia, you're going to buy me a ring!" "Tia, you're going to buy me a Capitan America costume!" "Tia, you're going to buy me a "Let it Go" crown." (She never says Frozen, just the name of the song, in Spanish it is actually 'Libre Soy' but 'Let it Go' is the song that she is referencing.) And the oddest request, "Tia, you're going to buy me a Santa Claus suit!" Abraham made me laugh, he remembers that I have made bread a couple times recently and shared it with them and because he's my baby, I have given him bread at various times if he knocks on my door and asks for it... (okay, so they all are my babies, but something about his smile when he asks me for something just melts my heart.) Anyway, in his obsession with bread, he looks at me with a big grin, and instead of asking for a toy, he says, "Tia, do you have any bread?" I didn't but I plan on making some today largely because of that request! 

   The fifth anniversary of Fundacion Esperanza was also this weekend. I hadn't been planning on going because no one had given me information, and since I don't work on weekends, I figured I wasn't going. However, Saturday morning I heard from three separate people asking where I was, if I could bring my camera and if I was coming. I had just finished telling one person that I'd be there at 10:30, and then the psychologist at our home, Nancy, called me and said that they were waiting for me, (the kids were going to dance) and if I was coming. So instead of 10:30, I showed up around 9:30. It was really fun, everyone was there and it was the first party since being here that I mingled and felt like a part of the foundation and understood what was going on instead of being isolated in an "I-don't-understand-this-culture-or-language" bubble. I also teared up at one point as I realized, yet again, that this place and these people are becoming a part of me and that I will miss them when I return home. (It probably aided in this realization because I found myself in a conversation about flight plans, when to buy my tickets, packing details, hearing about teams that have plans to come but that I won't be here to meet.) 

In His love and in gratefulness for His provision, sanctification and daily grace,

Susannah

Various Stories From My Week

      A change of plans leads me to be beginning working mornings tomorrow! I would appreciate prayer as I am adjusting to an entirely new schedule. However, it might be nice for a change of pace for the remaining months of my time here. Also, I have not been feeling well since my trip to Sucre, I'd also appreciate prayers for that.
     On a fun language note, yesterday my friend, Kayla, and I went to get lunch at a local coffee shop. We paid and as we were leaving I realized that the lady had managed to charge me less than she should have. I turned around and marched inside and explained the situation, we got it all figured out and walked out the door for the second time. All of the sudden I turned to my friend, I had just realized that, in my preoccupation with figuring out the math of what had happened, I had not given a single thought to the fact that I would have to speak in Spanish to explain it. (Normally, when I am with Kayla, I make her do the talking as she has been speaking Spanish longer than I have.) It was a fun, confidence building experience!
      Also, one of the middle-aged tias and I have begun to chat more, especially on our walks to pick up the kids. One day, she and I were talking and I mentioned that I am much more talkative in English but in Spanish, I prefer to listen because I don't want to mess up the language. She looked at me and said, in an almost chastising manner, "But Tia, we would help you!!!" Since then, she and I talk more often and I know that I can ask her to define words or I don't mind venturing out on the wild side of attempting the dangerous conjugations of unfamiliar verbs while I am in her presence. ;) 
     
     On Friday, I was left alone for a little more than an hour with the six of the kids, (the rest were in school.) It was fun, we sat on the floor and ate popcorn and then played a game that consisted of me pretending to be a sleeping wolf while they hid and then them running away (or in some cases beating me up) when I pretended to search for and "eat" (tickle) them. I frequently had to repeat, to two little boys in particular, "you can't hit me, I'm not a real wolf."
However, being alone with them wasn't all fun and games, it also meant that I had to be the disciplinarian (which doesn't always work for me.) Yobani kept hitting and getting angry so I took him into a corner and sat him in a chair and tried to talk to him. He was screaming and pinching my arm and scratching me. Part of me wanted to laugh, but I restrained myself.
"Do you want to hurt me?" I asked,
"YES," He wailed miserably.
"But why?" I questioned, "I don't want to hurt you."
He continued pinching but not quite as hard as before.
(please don't judge this word choice, it was the first thing that came out of my mouth.)
"I don't want you to be a brute, I want you to learn to be a good man," I told him, he looked at me with his big brown eyes filled with angry tears.
"Are you acting like a brute or a good man?" I asked him.
His chubby cheeks were slightly flushed from his fit and he looked down at his feet. "A brute."
He then switched from scratching and pinching, to stroking my hand with a gentleness that moments before had seemed quite unlikely to be bestowed upon me anytime in the near future. His little two-year-old arms squeezed my neck and I let him go play, for the rest of our time that afternoon the reminder to "be a good man" changed his attitude to a more gentle manner. It was so cute!!!
However, my disciplinarian skills didn't get me too far with four-year-old Daniel. He would listen and apologize and then go right back to disobeying. *sigh* Nevertheless, it was fun and I got them playing together as a group instead of just running around, so that felt like a success and made things much more enjoyable.

     As I am entering this new "position" in the baby house, (being the only tia with the five littles all morning) I would also appreciate prayer that, along with improving my Spanish and disciplinarian skills, I would be able to bring Christ into our mornings... I don't know exactly what that looks like, it is easier in English when I don't have to figure out what I am trying to say and fit it all in during the brief attention span that they have. Plus, it comes more naturally in English, in Spanish, I have to plan how I am going to bring it in. Don't get me wrong, occasionally it works out, but often times I get bogged down in the grammatical tenses and end up getting strange looks from the kids and I end up just giving them a hug and telling them to go play. However, I want to be able to share more of eternal value and to glorify Christ in my words as well as actions. I don't want to just be the nice tia that doesn't like giving severe punishments... I want the kids to know from the way that I speak that I love Christ and that He loves them. I think there will be more opportunity as I will be able to incorporate the songs and stories that I want, versus whatever the other tias want, plus, I will be on my own, (my Spanish confidence automatically rises when I am alone.) But I would appreciate prayers that my remaining months here would be marked by increased boldness and wisdom in how to incorporate the gospel of Christ in day-to-day life, and that none of the tias or children would be able to think that I was just on a "humanitarian mission," but on a mission for Christ. I love the verse that says that the people could tell that the disciples had been with Christ... I want people to be pointed to Christ by my manner of life. And not by what I write when I have time to think about it, but by my daily life, when I am frustrated, when I am tired, when I am sad... Those are the times especially when I want it to be clear that I serve the King of kings and Lord of lords.

    Oh, and earlier this week, five-year-old  Raquel has acquired an obsession with learning English which has transferred to several of the others. One afternoon on the way home from school I had seven Bolivian children chanting after me the numbers from 1-20 over and over again! It was a blast. It is fun to see which kids have the best pronunciation, which ones can remember the order that the numbers go in, Raquel is definitely the most inquisitive, she sat on her bed while I helped her get dressed and fired at me a steady stream of Spanish words that she wanted to know in English. She has pretty good pronunciation too. I made her try out some Russian words and she did those well too! She has taken to standing on my feet and making me walk around and she counts in English for each step. She has the hardest time with the word "three" and "sixteen."

   And I have a pile of dirt on my windowsill that I need to clean because Jose Luis brought a broom and started scrubbing my screen and wall whilst chatting with me,
"Why are you cleaning my window?" I asked him.
"Because it's dirty." He informed me, not knowing that a billow of dust was coming off of his filthy broom from the irritation of being scrubbed against the screen. It was cute though, his obsession with talking to me through my window is quite humorous. 

September Newsletter

(FYI: If you get my monthly email update then you have already seen this post.)

     I can hardly believe that it is already September, I knew that once I passed the halfway mark (August) that time would go faster, but I didn't realize quite what that meant!!! 

    Over the past 7 months, I have certainly had my very frequent days (or weeks) of missing home, but recently God has been opening my eyes to the incredible blessing that I have to be able to spend this year here with these kids. 

     This afternoon, I was in the kitchen checking on a pan of rolls that I had in the oven. (They make for great breakfast foods during the week and the other tias like them too.) I heard Marcella calling my name from the dining room, when I turned she waved excitedly. I went to give her a hug and tell her hi and she came running calling me "mama" (she's been doing that a lot lately.) Yobani hugged me too and repeated Marcella. I hate having to correct them and tell them to call me 'Tia.'

    Then when I brought my pan of bread out to my room I was swarmed by all of the kids with their hands outstretched. I gave them all some, however, a couple kept knocking on my door asking for more. 

    Fabiola loves dresses and was so excited to show me the dress that she got to wear to church today. She gave me the biggest hug when I told her that she looked pretty. 

    Josue recently proudly showed me a picture that he had made in class, it was beautiful, but his shy grin was even more beautiful, he couldn't stop talking about it. Telling me what more he was going to add and telling me all about what he had already drawn. I taught him about seeds on the way home from school, he now loves finding seeds and bringing them home to "plant" and he is very particular where he puts them because he doesn't want the plants to crash into each other when they grow!

     Especially during this month, I have had multiple experiences like this where I realize how much these kids bless me daily, their smiles, hugs, kisses, excited chatter, silly laughter and hilarious comments. I am so thankful to be able to spend this year with them, despite the fact that I miss home, I am truly thankful that I came to Bolivia. I have learned so much/am learning so much. There was a time when I didn't think I would miss Bolivia, I was just eager to return home. I visited Sucre earlier this month and I realized that I missed Cochabamba and the precious little ones here, and I was only gone two days! I am of course eager to come home, but the parting from my Bolivian home will be much more sorrowful than I originally thought. It is interesting to think back on my first impressions and my struggles, sorrows, concerns, (I'm sure I'll still have them, especially around Christmas) but God really does have a plan. His way is always best and in His presence is fullness of joy!

    I can be sad for the things that I am missing in this year away from my home, but I will never regret the year of memories, lessons, and joys of my year here in Bolivia. My eyes have filled with tears several times this month, but not for the same reasons as in previous months. Praise God! He has given me real joy and love for my life here during this time. I find myself staying in the babyhouse longer than I have to, eating my meals with the kids, and chatting with the tias more. He has filled my heart with thankfulness. 

     Yeah, I definitely still get frustrated with the kids sometimes, I definitely still have days when I just want to come home... But I also have days when I don't want Abraham's hug to end, when I don't want to silence the endless prattle around the dinner table, or let go of the sticky little hand that is gripped in mine. 

Three-year-old Marcella has figured out that I am tired all the time, so, she will often sit on my lap and ask me, "Tia, are you tired?" 

"Yes, I am always tired," I respond.

"Go to sleep!" She says. Then she makes me close my eyes and she lays her head on my shoulder and pretends to sleep too, and she pops her head up after a couple of seconds to make sure that I am "sleeping."

    My schedule is changing in two weeks, I will no longer be working in the afternoons as I have been for the past seven months. Instead, I will be working in the mornings, which might be hard to get used to. Prayers would be appreciated for that, I've been so tired the past couple months and no amount of sleep seems to help and now I won't be able to sleep in anymore. However, I am excited because I will be the only tia with the five littlest ones, therefore, I will be able to lead activities with more freedom than I have previously had. (I have always been a supporting tia, not really a "lead" tia.) 

If you would be willing to pray for God to provide Christian adoptive families for the children that would also be greatly appreciated. Several kids are available for adoption, but finding families will be almost impossible because they have special needs and most people here want "normal" kids.

                                                                                            2 Peter 3:18b

                                         "To Him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen."  

The Missionary Who Didn't Want to go to Church

     Friday marked the first day of Spring here in Bolivia, (it was as well, 'the day of love,' 'friendship day,' and 'day of the student.') What does Spring weather feel like in Bolivia? Well, it means that the lovely 70 degree days are rapidly shifting into 80-degree weather with blustery afternoons, and skies that are filled with the grey whisperings of the all-too-rapidly-arriving rainy season. 

    On Friday, the kids got to stay home from school and play in a pool that the tias had set up on Thursday. They were so excited!!! Fabiola kept hugging me and squealing as we waited for Tia Angie to tell her that she could get in, and Raquel couldn't sit still either! Unfortunately, Fabiola confided in me later that she wished she could have played in the baby pool because the big one (2-3 feet deep) scared her. Marcella was also terrified as soon as she got into the pool, she held to the edge and wouldn't move a muscle. "I'm going to fall," she said repeatedly, close to tears. Tia Erika somehow managed to do a quick change into swimwear and hopped into the pool to ease the girls' fears. Yobani and Santiago, however, were instantly enamored with the pool and proceeded to splash and squeal with two-year-old glee the entire time! 

    Saturday I went over to Kathryn and Gustavo's apartment with Kayla, and Terrilyn (another missionary) came over and most of the older girls from the transition program (many of whom are also tias at the baby house) we had pizza and watched a show. I barely spoke, because I'm very timid in Spanish, thankfully Terrilyn kept the conversation going and helped to make it a more comfortable time. I think it was fun! 

    This morning I woke up dreading going to church, I have missed a couple Sundays as it is, my friends weren't going to be there and I still don't know any other people, I was tired, and I just didn't want to put forth the effort, and I much prefer listening to sermons online from home. I texted my dad hoping that he would say, "It's okay to take time to yourself with God." Which he kind of did, but he also helped me to see my selfishness and pointed me to Christ in it. 

I realized that the verse "Do not neglect gathering together" kept going through my mind and that I really was just wanting to stay home out of selfishness. I also knew, that with the attitude I had at the moment, I would not be able to actually worship God at home. (Not that it's never okay to stay home from church, but, for me this morning it wasn't okay to stay home, and my attitude towards the church I attend was purely negative. So I, rather grumpily, got dressed and hurried to church. I walked in right at the meet and greet time, for the first time in several weeks was greeted by a lady who had introduced herself to me some weeks before. The music was an encouragement and the sermon was taught by a visiting pastor from the States on loving one another. 

   I was close to tears several times during the service, 

1- because I'm just overly emotional in general and cry quite easily these days, 

2- because I realized that I had been fighting with God about coming to worship Him, I hadn't wanted to because I was afraid of the awkwardness of being alone, but sitting in that service and singing songs of praise in the midst of the congregation, I didn't feel alone. 

    Once again, God's ways are better than my ways. Thankful for His faithfulness in working through my dad and in my own heart to go even though staying at home and listening to a sermon on my own would have been "easier." He filled me with His perfect joy and peace, even though I had woken up in discontent and frustration.

Psalm 40:16-17

"But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, 'Great is the Lord!' As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God."

                                                                        Psalm 73:28

"But for me, it is good to be near God; 

I have made the Lord God my refuge, 

that I may tell of all your works."

Sucre

    I cut my long weekend in Sucre one day short, for a couple reasons, one, I was sick and being away from home and sick is never fun. Two, notice the word I used? HOME. It was interesting to see how it felt being away from the kids and from my room, I realized, this place really has become my Bolivian home, and I will miss it once I get back to Illinois even though I will be so happy to see my family again.

"Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

 -Alfred Lord Tennyson "In Memoriam A.H.H."-

    Nevertheless, it was fun to see another part of the country and taking the bus was a good experience that I don't care to repeat. It took 8 hours of winding roads on the edges of mountains. The thought crossed my mind a couple times, "God I trust you, but I don't trust this driver!!!"  I know, much could be said for the theology of that statement, but it helped me to laugh to myself and loosen my grip on the arm of my seat, at least for that particular curve.
 Also, just sitting on a bus for 8 hours when you know that you could have gotten there in 30 mins by airplane is hard to accept. The fun part of the bus ride was getting to know the people I was traveling a little bit, and watching them interact with each other. It was a fun group to be a part of!

   Sucre is pretty and our hotel was GORGEOUS! We arrived at 4 in the morning on Friday and went to our hotel, he wouldn't let us check in until noon, but he did allow us to leave our bags in the lobby so that we didn't have to lug them with us around the city for eight hours!!!! Despite being tired, it turned out to be one of the best parts of the trip for me. It was so quiet, with no traffic and very few other people, we got to walk around and see the architecture and view the general landscape of the city without the noise of cars and busses.

   Maribel, my seat partner both ways! We also managed to get lost on Saturday and spent a couple hours wandering around, buying chocolates and souvenirs, taking pictures, and just hanging out!  (Another favorite time of mine!)

 After an almost forty-five minute drive through the dusty countryside, (and I mean dusty. In some places, it was two inches of very fine yellow dust.) we arrived at what was supposed to be a beautiful waterfall... It is the dry season, there was naught but a trickle!!! The rest of our group hiked down to see if they could find anything more, but Mary and I stayed up on top of the hill and admired the scenery. 

 

 The view from the hotel cafeteria.

  The breakfast came with the price of the hotel room, they also had an amazing coffee stand with a cappuccino maker. (Another highlight of the trip!!)

 The courtyard of the hotel. All the rooms look out into this area. 

 Most of our group at about 5 am. The dog followed us around for probably an hour!

 Me with my roommate, Mary. I haven't had many opportunities to talk with her, so it was really nice to get to know her a little bit better! 

 At a museum 

              The hotel  

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands." 

Psalm 19:1

Seasons Changing

A couple that have been very dear friends to me needed to return to the states indefinitely for a family emergency, (prayers for them would be appreciated.)

For a language victory story: There was a German girl volunteering last week and one day this week, we were chatting (in Spanish) and I asked her if she spoke English. She responded that she did. I asked which she preferred. She told me that English was easier, but then proceeded to tell a story about how switching between languages was confusing for her... In Spanish... and we continued speaking in Spanish the entire time. It was a fun sort of accomplishment! 

My dreamy mind is always occupied, but I am continually being reminded that God must be first above all the people and things that I love, and before all of my dreams, He is the One who is and was and will always be, and He gave Himself for me. He has been gracious this week to continue pointing me back to Him and reminding me why I am here, as well as giving me opportunities to serve in different ways than usual. Also, as the weeks feel to be going by faster now, I am reminded to love the children, and being here, as much as I can in every moment that I am given.

Psalm 27:7-9

"Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, 'Seek my face.' My heart says to you, 'Your face, Lord, do I seek.' Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation!"

Thursday night I am leaving Cochabamba on an overnight train with a group from my language school to spend a long weekend in the city of Sucre. I am finally venturing out to get to know a little more of Bolivia!!! 

The weather here is getting warmer which makes me think of being home, skirts, airconditioning, bruschetta freshly made from produce in our garden, volleyball, and bare feet. My rose-colored glasses graciously leave out the gnats, sticky humidity, mosquitoes, snakes, frogs/toads, and weeds. I'm actually enjoying a little bit of heat, seeing as I left Illinois in February and arrived in Bolivia just in time for their winter. 

I added pictures from a photo shoot I did with the kids, I will add the ones where you can actually see faces in the email at the end of the month! It was fun, however, the scarves, that I had taken out to keep the kids entertained while I snapped pictures, got dragged all through the dirt!!! 

My Bolivian University

     Last week (really, quite a bit of August,) I was sad and emotional and I spilled it all out into my newsletter and blogs. This week I want to make the point that, despite what it may seem like from my writing at times, God hasn't abandoned me nor have I given up. He has blessed me immensely by giving me this year to get to know Him better and to serve with the team here to these little ones that are so incredibly loved by God. I was reading earlier entries in my journal this week, I discovered an entry that referred to my time here as "my Bolivian university" Before coming to Bolivia I didn't know exactly what I wanted to study but I wanted to study something, I wanted to learn Spanish, I wanted to learn more about working with children, I considered some sort of theology course because I wanted to learn more about God... Now here I am learning more about God as I have to rely on Him, learning Spanish and spending my week with twelve rambunctious and precious children. Hence the name, "My Bolivian University."
    Having passed the half-way point in my time here, it is beginning to feel like it is going faster, or the time that remains doesn't seem as impossible, I'm not quite sure which! Realizing the time that I have left and reflecting on my time looking back and thinking on the posts I have written, I have been challenged and reminded so many times to keep in mind the eternal picture. I need to fix my eyes on Christ, the reason that I am here, and He will strengthen me and equip me to show His love to the children and tias that I work with.
    I have the amazing privilege to be able to get to know these kids, to hold them, hug them, break up their fights, scold them when they get in trouble at school, give them a kiss goodnight, read them a story, get mad at them and have to apologize and see the incredible, instant forgiveness that they show me. I get to see a few of them go home to their adoptive families, I have to hear that others have a very slim chance of ever being wanted. God has given me a year to see the reality of the life of an orphan. As a seven-year-old my mind had pictured a much cleaner, happier, more fixable situation than what reality really is.
    No matter how good the intentions, an orphanage isn't a home.
    Despite the love that I, and those I work with, have for these kids, we aren't their parents and can never take that place.
    God forgive me when I lose my patience instead of showing extra grace, they are children. They have lost their parents in one form or another. They are unwanted by the world. May my words only ever make them feel loved and wanted, no matter what they have done. Yes, they need guidance and punishments, but they don't need my sharp words of irritation. I want to love as Christ loves me.
I sin so often, but He doesn't snap or threaten, He lovingly shows me where I have sinned and directs me back to Himself. He is rich in mercy and grace. Mercy and grace are undeserved. So yes, the kids shouldn't hit each other or yell disrespectfully at the tias, but neither should I be speaking sharply back. That doesn't set an example of kindness or love. I think I have mentioned before, but it has amazed me at the way a soft word really does change a kid's attitude. (Go figure, God's word is right!)

Proverbs 15:1

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

     In life God gives us the freedom to choose how we respond in situations, we can respond in the flesh or we can take every thought captive to Christ, and by His Spirit and grace, respond in a manner worthy of the gospel. I have spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, missing my family, missing familiarity, missing Dunkin' Donuts, missing the kids I nannied for, and just missing the freedom to do what I wanted. God forgive my selfishness! It hasn't been all the time, but it has been a regular occurrence. I have failed to see the amazing opportunity that God has given me to learn and grow and love. I have failed to be thankful that I have a family to go home to in 6 months. I have failed to be thankful for a bed and food and internet. I have failed to be thankful for many things.

    Assuredly, I will fail again, but for the moment God is opening my eyes to remind me of how richly I have been blessed, and to show me how often I have forgotten to be thankful. I have had my eyes on the small picture, missing baseball games, birthdays, and holidays, and I have forgotten that I only have so much time left with these kids. I get to go home in six months, but what will I have left behind? Will I have wasted my year in self-pity, or by some miracle, can God take me in the remaining time and show His love through me to these kids? I am praying that God transforms my heart to take my eyes off myself and to cause my actions, words, and thoughts to overflow with His love and merciful kindness. 

      Christ has set me an example to walk in, He left heaven to come to earth and endure so much suffering, even death on the cross, because of His love for me, lost and dead in my sin, He came to make me His own. I want my life to reflect the overwhelming truth of His love for me, and instead, I have so often found myself complaining about wanting to be home with my family. My family is not my right, they are a beautiful gift, given to me by God, and it's good to love them, but first, my love and allegiance must be to my God who loved me and gave Himself for me. I have lost myself in myself when I should have been lost in my Savior. 

     I am sure that at some point, probably sooner than later, I will lose myself in selfishness again because I am a sinner, but I am a sinner saved by grace, and in His grace, He will call me back to Himself and reveal my sin. For now, I am thankful that He has opened my eyes to my sin and to show me the blessing that He has given me, and I am prayerful and hopeful- not the hope that is passing and frail, but the hope that is sure and steadfast- that He will transform me and make me more into His likeness and show me more of who He is and the riches of His grace that He has so bountifully bestowed upon my selfish soul that is always seeing greener grass on the other side of the fence.

Ephesians 5:1

"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

1 John 2:4-6

"Whoever says "I know Him" but does not keep His commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps His word, in Him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in Him: whoever says he abides in Him ought to walk in the same way in which He walked."

                                                                      

Psalm 118:24

"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Always Faithful

     God is faithful. After my tear-filled post last week, God opened my eyes to show me the blessings that He has given me here, and the people that He has put in my life, I had a conversation with my director that gave me some more work to do over the next couple of months, and I will be needed for more shifts. So, that is a little overwhelming, but also awesome that I actually am needed! I'm sure the luxury of that situation will wear off after working multiple shifts, but for now, it is quite nice.
    I am still learning and practicing patience in the unknown, and serving despite my desire to be with my family, God is faithful to continue teaching me and to show me His immeasureable grace and patience.

 1 Timothy 1:12

"I thank Him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because He has judged me faithful, appointing me to His service."

2 Timothy 2:1

"You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus."

Back to Lonely

I stood nervously wiping my sweaty palms on my skirt. Did I look as alone as I felt? Maybe I should have worn jeans, I might have been able to blend in better that way. The faces around me were not unkind, just unfamiliar. The language was no longer strange, it just wasn’t my own. I was among the body of Christ, and yet I felt ostracized. Everyone else was happily greeting their friends, smiling faces and cheerful salutations swirled around me. I was invisible in the middle, like a ghost watching a wedding party celebrate. I watched a community that I wasn’t a part of. I thought of my home church in the States, I was so much more outgoing there, I could make my way through the crowds of people, meet newcomers, chat with new mothers as I held their precious babies, hug the elderly and hear their wisdom, have someone tease me about needing to get married, have another tell me that they had been praying for me and ask how my week had been, familiar smiles- they may not known everything about me, but they loved me and I loved them.

As I turned awkwardly, waiting for someone to make eye contact and extend their hand in greeting, I felt my eyes well with tears. This didn’t feel like home. Finally, a young woman across the aisle came over and started to extend her hand for a comfortable American handshake, and then switched halfway through to a Bolivian hug. She said hello, but we didn't really say anything else. I knew her name and that she had just gotten married, she knew my name and knew that I was here volunteering in an orphanage, nothing more.

I have been here five months, why did I still feel like such a stranger? No one knows me, notices if I attend church, knows that I miss my family, that I love coffee and how much I would love to be able to be learning Russian in my weekly language classes. No one knows how much I long to get married and have children of my own. They don’t know my passion for music, reading, writing, and history. They don’t know anything about me, except that I must come across shy and immature. No one knows how old I am, that my favorite flavor of ice cream is boring vanilla, that I have ten siblings, that I adore my family, and that my best friend is my mom.

How could they know? They’ve never tried to get to know me, granted, I’ve never tried to get to know them. I have it in my mind to survive in this church for the next seven months until I can go home to my beloved family and to my church. I’ve told myself so many times over the past five months, especially in church, “Only a little while longer.” I know that God is sufficient, if He wasn’t I would have given up a long time ago. In the past five months, Sundays have been a day to remind me that I’m on my own. Sitting by myself in a row of plastic chairs. I often imagine my family worshipping in the States, feeling my little siblings next to me, seeing my mom’s smile of recognition when we start to sing a song that both of us love, being able to recognize whose baby is crying, to know the people that the pastor is praying for, and to spot the visitors because I know almost everyone else.

Part of me says that I should become involved in the church here, that’s what I would do if I was in the States. Frankly, I’m scared. I don’t have anyone to go with. If I go to Bible studies or prayer meeting it will be after dark and I’ll have to walk alone (which is scary and highly inadvisable.) I don’t speak Spanish well enough, or comfortably enough, to participate, I could listen I suppose, but I could also just read my Bible at home. I don’t know what language children’s church is taught in, but I assume Spanish and I can’t do that. Plus, I’ve worked all week and I want to sing songs, listen to a sermon and leave as quickly as possible. Then I wonder if I am just justifying my laziness in participation.

I’m not a part of the church. I’m just attending until I go home. I’m not saying that is the right attitude, it’s not… But I don’t know what to do with it, my justifications feel very legitimate, perhaps it’s simply my mindset that needs to change, maybe my actions can remain the same for safety reasons (such as traveling unaccompanied at night) but my thoughts need to be less self-focused?

I do believe that God has me here for a reason, I don’t know what that reason is, but I have to believe that it is true. He brought this opportunity out of seemingly nowhere, in a way, bringing my childhood dream true. Does He have a reason for me being in the church that I am in as well? Or can I just glide through the rest of my year here, going to church, singing, and walking away as quickly as possible afterward? I feel like a stranger there and five months hasn’t changed that. Maybe that’s okay, there are plenty of good people there it seems, they don’t need me. I came to work in the baby house, and that’s what I’m doing. I don’t want to do more, I am counting the days until I come home, and the idea of having to force myself into a new situation again kind of terrifies me.

I was doing so well the past couple of months, I always figured that my bursts of sadness were just missing my family. After having my mom and sister here I realized that I am lonely. My family isn’t just my family. They are my closest friends, I did everything with them, and I never had to wonder if I should shake hands or hug, and a hug never had to end and was always readily available, unless it was from Elijah or Levi… They aren’t so big on the hugging thing...

My mom and I could talk for hours about anything and everything. My sisters and I would laugh and sing, it was comfortable and, though not without the usual problems of ten sinners living in one house, it was easy.

I don’t have that here. I question how long I should stay at someone’s house before I have worn out my welcome, I don’t have a shoulder to cry on because I don’t want to seem like I was a burden or a deadweight. I don’t feel like anyone really knows me. I have a friend that I do a lot with, but it’s not the same as with my mom or dad. I’ve always been good at hiding my tears, questions, worries, fears, doubts, even to some extent- my dreams from my friends, it’s not really bothered me too much because I’ve always had my mom. In some ways, not having the luxury of unlimited access to my mom (doing chores or running errands together so that we could talk) has caused me to draw closer to God, which has been so good, I needed to be pushed closer to Him because in any relationship He must be first. So I am glad for that, but I also have been longing for the sweet fellowship of being known and loved completely and unconditionally by a human. I was journaling about this the other night and realized that God has loved me and known me completely, He holds the entire world in His hands, including me… I am praying again for contentment, God must be my all, but I think that it is okay to miss the relationships at home as well just so long as that is not all-consuming and taking me away from my time here.

The ache though… I don’t always know what to do with it. It hits me at random times, it helps if I have a little one in my lap or a three-year-old boy yanking my head as he tries to figure out how to brush his tía’s hair, but even with those little comforts and chubby cheeks and hands that are always welcoming hugs and kisses, seven months can seem like an eternity. The tears well up and sometimes the other tías can see that I don’t look so well. They ask if I’m okay, I tell them yes. They know I miss home but I can’t explain it well in Spanish and if I try the tears will begin to flow.

It hurts. I want to be held, to be able to cry and not be alone. God is teaching me to lean on Him and to be held by Him. I have been fine before, albeit missing home just not quite so fiercely in recent months, and I can be fine again.

  Psalm 18:1-3

“I love you O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.”

Philippians 4:19

“And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

Hebrews 11:13-16

“These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared for them a city.”

In heaven, we will be perfectly united with Christ and His church and we will live in harmony, worshipping together in spirit and in truth. Truly, I have nothing to complain about, my trials are minimal compared to so many. God has ordained this time for my sanctification and for His glory, and in His heavenly realm, there will be no more tears or mourning. This life is fleeting and though it can feel so real and lasting, it’s not, and neither is sorrow, it will not last forever but how we handle it and the relationship with God that can be built in the midst of sorrow will be eternal.

Psalm 17:15

“As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness, when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.”

      Now you know how you can pray for me, that these truths would become a part of me, and that I would know with all of my being that God IS enough.

In Christ,
Susannah