1 Week

I apologize in advance, I cannot get the formatting right for some reason, I think blogger is having some issues. The formatting looks fine as I'm typing, but once I publish it, it looks very strange!

It hardly feels like reality, to think that a week from today I will be finishing cleaning my apartment, turning in my keys, and loading my suitcases into a car (be it taxi or a friend's car- I don't know yet!)  However, the hotdogs for Thursday are in my fridge, my calendar is marked with breakfast on Wednesday, sleepover Friday, and last Saturday outings, along with various other little things that need to be done before I leave. Even yet, it all feels so strange! I'm so excited to come home, to see everyone, but the reality of moving back, and the fact that it is likely I'll never see some of these kids again, and others, not for a very long time, has still not completely settled in. 

 I found a way to take selfies that I can post on my blog! So, while we look ridiculous, you can still see a couple pictures of the kids!

On another note, God has been working in my heart, teaching me more of what it means to find my joy and confidence and identity in Him.

Romans 8:1

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

  I play the same tune,

  and think I'm a genius

  I say the same phrases,

 And say that I'm wise.

  I walk the same way,

   And pretend I'm mature.

 I write as I please,

  And call it creative.

 I am filled with pride,

 And call myself humble.

 I put on this charade,

And thus make play at honesty.

I fear change,

Unwilling to let go,

Of the person I've created,

Of what I've become.

To another's eye,

Not too much wrong.

To my soul's opened eyes,

A thousand and more things left undone.

I fear what they'd say,

If they saw the real me.

This mess, this failure,

This struggling one.

I want to believe that He wants me

-just as I am, unclean and undone-

But that devil he tells me

Of things I've hidden away, just some.

I shudder and wonder,

How I ever can change.

"Surely there's no way-

I'll keep living this facade" resigned I say.

But my God is not willing

To leave me undone.

He made me and loved me

And gave up His Son,

To call me and make me,

From broken to whole

From dirty to clean

To love me, and save my soul.

Why He would love me?

No one could guess,

His mercy & grace are boundless no less.

Yet, even so, He made me His beloved.

Me, His beloved?

I can hardly believe.

I've pretended my whole life,

Never fully entrusting my soul.

But this-this knowing, this nakedness

He sees me as I am,

Broken, and dirty, wholly unworthy.

He gives me worth with His love.

This bareness, this humbling,

To be undressed of all my good deeds,

To stand with nothing to offer

But the unchangeable me.

Does He love me still?

Does He wish He had chosen another?

Beneath the wrapping of all my pretense

He finds who I am, who I wish I wasn't.

Does He want to cover me back up,

And put me away?

Will I be too much for Him today?

Will He leave me in my garments-

Those garments of lies,

Will He let me stay there,

In my game of mimes?

Filled with my guilt, alone in my shame.

No- for this Redeemer is true,

He knows I am but dust,

His purpose is pure, unchanging,

And He'll see it through.

He'll strip me of my deeds,

Please, gently my Lord,

Then teach me His love

And change me thru and thru

He knows my shame,

And holds me gently,

As He shows me His palms

Where He took it away.

He knows me wrong doing,

Yet He shows me the scars

That bear the price of my sin,

The stripes, that took all my blame.

He knows of my wonderings,

Of my hundreds of doubts.

He draws me now closer,

And doesn't let go.

I've wondered and worried,

But now I'm assured.

He's promised to keep me,

He'll keep to His Word.

                   Romans 8:37-39

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, 

nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 

nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Ephesians 1:13-14

"In Him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, 

and believed in Him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit,

 who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of His glory."

2 Weeks

This past week I was able to put my camera to good use! I was assigned the job of taking pictures of all of the kids for their sponsors stateside,

(if you are interested in sponsoring one of these kiddos, check out Lifesong for Orphans page, https://www.lifesongchildsponsorship.org/countries/bolivia/, of course, I'm biased, and think you should sponsor one of my kiddos, it would give you a way to get to know them aside from whatever I can tell you about them!! :) But, Lifesong serves in many countries, and all those kids would love to have sponsors as well, so whatever God leads you to do!)

I also spent half of this week traveling! I went to Uyuni with my friend and her husband. After traveling by bus for about 10 hours (including the lunch break) we finally had arrived at a little city that appeared to be completely made of mudbricks, it didn't even have paved streets, and everything was either dusty or muddy! Now-Obviously, I am from the states, plus I have been living in a big Bolivian city for the past year, so my view is slightly tainted by the modern buildings, crazy traffic, and luxuries of life, namely: affordable restaurants, private bathrooms, soap and toilet paper in the bathrooms, towels, hot water, etc.

My friend and I had been under the impression that her husband had the entire trip planned, we learned at 8pm on the streets of a new town, that his "plan" was to figure it out as we went along. So for about two hours (maybe a little more,) we wandered around with our backpacks and in the cold. We discovered that almost every restaurant was ridiculously expensive, so we ended up in a little burger shack that had much better prices. However, their kitchen was a griddle, and in a corner of the "dining area," they had an electric kettle perched precariously on a little stool.

After eating, we headed out into the cold (maybe 50s?) we walked, and walked, and walked, my friend and her husband were both tense and arguing over their misunderstanding, I was grumpy that they were grumpy, thus texting my mom complaining about it, and I was wishing that I had never left Cochabamba. We couldn't find a hotel that had space, or that was affordable. Finally, after 10pm, we found a hostel with space. The bathroom was shared, had no toilet paper, or soap, nor any towels or soap for showering, and to get to it, I had to walk past an open bedroom door where a guy was just casually sitting in his underwear! I was freaked out to say the least, my tired self became very uncompromisingly city and American, and I cried. Upon waking up, I realized that it wasn't such a horrible place at all, but we still found a different hotel with private bathrooms for the second night!!!

We went on a tour of the train cemetery and different locations on the immense salt flat! I had been picturing a pond or lake of salt, but this went on for miles and miles, in addition, it was covered in water- sometimes only an inch, sometimes up to a foot, and we drove through all of it!!! I also anticipated the water to be very cold, but the sun had warmed it beautifully, so we walked barefoot in the salty water for a long time. We also ate lunch in the salt hotel, which is what it sounds like, a hotel made of salt bricks, even our table and stools were made of salt, the floor was loose salt as well. Then we headed back to town where we found a chicken and fries shop and checked into our hotel.

The ride back was long, but I am back in Cochabamba now! It is so crazy to remember my opinions on this city after being here two weeks, compared to how I feel about it now, two weeks from leaving.

 The private bath and my nice hotel!

 The slightly sketchy, "I don't want to be here" hotel.

 The Salt Hotel

 

 There was also the graffiti option of "Flick Flack" I guess "I still love you" is a better option? 

 The burger house kitchen!

 When someone gets on a bus and sells bracelets you take the free one... even if it is covered in saint stickers!

 Traditional dress

  Selfies while brushing your teeth, Tia Su at your service!

3 Weeks

     This past week I ended up spending extra time at the girls' house, it was really fun! We went to the movie theater (someone else beat me to taking them there.) And then I helped out with Friday night Bible study. I have pictures, but they are all selfies with the girls and their faces are fully visible, so I can't post them on here. We laughed a lot, it has probably been one of my favorite weeks with them!
    Since someone else just paid for them to go to the theater, Kathryn and I have adjusted the plans, we are going to take some of the girls to the jewelry supply shop and give them each money (from the amount that they made actually selling the earrings) to choose the supplies that they want, then do a pizza/movie night at their house and I'll spend the night there- that will be my last day that I spend with them. I'm looking forward to doing it, but it is going to be sad to leave Saturday morning, knowing that I'll probably never see them again, at least, not for a long time.

     The kids all go back to school tomorrow, from what they have told me, they are all excited, but I'm sure that prayers for the adjustment back to school would be welcomed!

     Thursday, I leave with some friends to go to the Salt Flats, (prayers for safety would be appreciated- I've heard that the buses we are taking can have high crash rates at this time of year.)) We will get back to Cochabamba next Sunday afternoon.

      Also, on Tuesday I will have a Skype interview for a job when I get back. It is still so strange that, after a year of waiting, I'm actually coming back to Illinois!!! It is a weird mixture of planning to be back home, but also trying to be involved with the kids. I'm thankful for the schedule change, as it gives me a couple more hours with them for the last three weeks.

     Life has pretty much been the same around here. It's been rainy, yesterday was in the low 60s, I was freezing! My friend was teasing me about being so cold- I had told her earlier about the crazy winter that IL is experiencing, she informed me that I will be unable to survive.

     Most people don't talk to me at church, but last week and this week I was finally invited to participate in church events- unfortunately, I now won't be able to, my time is filling up. Still, it was nice to finally be invited to participate!!! I wish that I would have had the courage to attend in the beginning without being directly invited, but God knows all that. I'm looking forward to being back at my home church again, I miss fellowshipping with my family and everyone else at FBC.

   Well, the pictures of the girls will have to keep for my final email (from IL!!!) so I don't have much else to report!
     
    In my devotion time, I've been reading a book called "The Joy Project" by Tony Reinke, he quotes C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity and says,

"All the we call human history-money, poverty, 

ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery-

is the long terrible story of man trying to find something 

other than God which will make him happy."

      It has been a good book so far. As a dreamer and a people pleaser, the points that Reinke brings up have been causing me to think, and to see the gospel afresh. The phrase from the catechism "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever" comes to mind often. DO I enjoy God? I think that I still want to rely on my own works to some extent or another, I'll probably battle that my whole life until I get to heaven and see how truly ridiculous I was to think that my "good works" had any merit in the eyes of a holy God. The most recent chapter speaks of the book of Hosea, the complete unworthiness of Gomer- the woman that God calls him to love and take as his wife. 

     I've known what the story of Hosea and Gomer illustrates, however, I've always thought of it in general terms, 'we' or 'the church,' I never wanted to put myself in the place of Gomer. It felt shameful. This week God helped me to see anew a bit of my position before Him, unworthy but loved regardless. 

     The love of God doesn't come from anything that the loved can do or be, but from the very essence of who God is. He chooses to delight in His children and to use us for His glory. He will not abandon the good work that He has started. 

    I am thankful for the mercy, grace, and faithfulness of our God!

   I hope that was an encouragement to you!

   Have a wonderful week!

   

5 Weeks

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." 

That line has tumbled around in my mind throughout this past year as I have watched a few kids get adopted, and seen the kids that are left behind. I've seen volunteers come and go, some of them tearfully. Now, as I think of my own departure it comes to mind more frequently. 

I wonder if  I have done "what I was supposed to," I don't know the exact reason that God brought me here, maybe I never will, maybe I will see it when I return home, at least perhaps I'll see what He taught me in my time away. What I do know, is that He has given me a blessed opportunity to spend this past year with the kids. I remember being terrified to begin working with the older kids at the end of November, now I am sad to have not had more time with them.

Earlier this week, somehow a conversation came up between me, the director, and a couple of the other tias,  about my departure date. One of the tias gave me a hug and made a comment about my leaving. One of the girls, Belinda, overheard. 

"You're leaving Tia?" She asked me.

"Well, not yet, but yes, I'm going back to my country soon." 

"When?" She asked, throwing her arms around my waist. 

"The end of February," I told her.

"But you're coming back?"

"No- maybe I'll come back to visit someday, but not to live," I said, tears welling up in my eyes at the realization of that fact.

"You will come back," She said, squeezing me tighter.

Another young girl came up, "You are leaving? When?" 

I repeated my departure date.

"We still have time though!" She said cheerfully.

Belinda (still hugging me,) cut her off, "but the sad thing is that she's leaving!" 

Oh, what a mixture of emotions! At that very moment, my phone was buzzing in my pocket with a text message from my cousin, (about the same age as Belinda!) telling me that she couldn't wait for me to be back. 

I went from that to a Bible study with Kathryn, (which has been really good so far! I hope we are able to finish the book before I leave.) It is called, 'Gospel Identity' 

In addition to the Bible study, our conversation kept turning to my time here and the transition back home, so that has been really helpful and I am very thankful that she has been able to take time out of her busy schedule to spend Wednesday afternoons with me! She's been a great friend and a wonderful example this year and I will miss her when I leave. 

Next Friday will be my last day of classes at the language school, the goodbyes are beginning. 

 It was so fun to see them playing with their dinosaurs and listen to the details of their game. I felt like my mother though, because my first thought was, "It's nice to see kids making up stories and playing with toys without needing pokemon cards." 

They kept coming up to me asking, "What is this one called tia?" My knowledge of dinosaur names is limited in English, in Spanish, it is virtually non-existent! When I didn't know the names, they would then inquire regarding that specific dinosaur's eating and hunting habits. I was fairly certain that one was an herbivore and I told them that it probably ate grass, only to be corrected by a 6-year-old telling me, first that it had to eat meat since it was a dinosaur, and then when I pointed out a few aspects that made me think it didn't eat meat, he switched and said that it ate leaves. He was upset though because the dinosaurs were all fighting each other, and a leaf-eating dinosaur hardly seems a threat. After consulting with a couple of the other boys, he decided that his leaf-eating dinosaur had a dangerous tail, and thus commenced the happy battle of dinosaurs!!!

 

 My boys... I only get to see them two days a week, which means that I only have ten days left with them. :( 

 There are two girls named 'Damaris' at the girls' house, they are commonly referred to, "Damaris grande" and "Damaris pequeña." Both of them fell asleep on me earlier this week. It was actually quite relaxing, I almost joined them in dreamland!

As much as I will miss everyone here, I truly am looking forward to seeing you all at home again! 

I hope that you all have a wonderful week!

In Christ,

Susannah

6 Weeks Remaining

    I think that instead of trying to come up with titles for these posts, I'll just write the remaining number of weeks!

     In the upcoming weeks, aside from normal life, I have a few last things to purchase as gifts for my family, then a long weekend trip to Uyuni (the salt flats) and then with money that the girls made from selling on Facebook the earrings that they made, (thank you again to everyone who participated in that!!!) we are going to put together an outing to the movie theater, complete with popcorn, and maybe even arcade games! (More details to come!) I also am hoping to do a movie and salteña day with the boys, (but at their house, since they are younger and it would be harder to take them all out!) Then, I'll be cleaning my apartment, the owner will come through for a final inspection (I've heard that she tends to make each tenant paint when they leave) so I might have to do a painting day.) Other than that, I'll say goodbye, eating the last of Bolivian-made food, and preparing to get on a plane. 

Goodness. I kind of sound as if I have 6 days left, rather than 6 weeks, but at the speed that time has been passing, that's kind of what it feels like!

 We realized that, for all the time we spend together, we don't have many pictures together! 

 These two were so cute playing together! I had brought two volunteers with me that day, so they played with the big kids downstairs, Damaris and Marcela wanted to play upstairs, and for once, I was able to join them! 

I was trying to take pictures of the boys while they played with the dog, because it was cute! But Josue noticed and shouted to the rest, "Everyone get back, Tia wants a picture of the dog!!!"

Happy 2019!

Happy New Year!
I happily went to bed at 9 pm in 2018 and was awoken in the first seconds of 2019 by shouting, fireworks, and church bells! My neighbors then decided to blare music and sing from midnight until I left my house at 7:45 in the morning. It was quite the party!

Thursday I went to the girls' house in the afternoon because they had asked for me to help judge something. What I hadn't realized was that it would turn out to be a full-on, 2 hour and 45 minute, talent show/beauty pageant and one of the other tias was pretending that we were on national TV. Complete with impromptu interviews and regular ad slots. It was quite the production!

A Bolivian friend of mine came with me to church today, then we went grocery shopping and came back to my house to cook! She taught me how to make a Bolivian dish, I then taught her how to make earrings.

It's hard for me to find things to write about, life just feels so normal. I can't post good pictures of the kids that I so dearly would love to introduce you to. Writing about them doesn't do them justice. I want you to hear the inflections of their voice, to see their smiles, laugh with them, joke with them, watch them interact with each other... And I can't share all that in a blog post.
I could tell you about the woman on the corner who I have to pay to dispose of my trash, I could tell you how she always seems grumpy and tends to terrify me.
I could tell you how the baristas at the coffee shop, where I get off of my trufi after work at the girls' house, now know what I get (because I get the same thing every single time.)
I could tell you of the incredible variations of my emotions from one moment to the next, "I can't wait to be home, seven weeks feels too long." And the next minute, "I can't believe I have to leave, I'm going to miss the kids so much."
I could tell you of my fears of the unknown, where I will work, what the next year will hold...

I could tell you of my frustrations in my walk with God, I want to know Him more deeply, to find my utmost joy in being in His word and in prayer. I could tell you of my feelings of failure when I waste an hour on Netflix instead of in Scripture. I want to tell you that I wake up at 5 am to pray for two hours before I leave for work because I can't start the day without it. More often than not I sleep until 6:45 and try to get in 30 mins to an hour of a Bible time to start my day, and it tends to be distracted. I could tell you all that I want to be, all that I'm not, and all that I pretend to be- but that would probably be a waste of time and words.

I am not the point.

I am a sinner. I fail, and I do so daily. I so often wander from my Shepherd's side, in search of my own way. In His love and faithfulness, He calls me back to Himself, gathering me into His capable, nail-scarred hands. My imperfections-my failures, though numerous, do not turn Him away. He knew them before He took them upon Himself in my place on Calvary. He came to earth as the babe we celebrated just recently because He already knew of my sins, He knew that I could never save myself.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be at the point where I can say that I "glorify God and enjoy Him forever" but that 'forever' part is still coming. Christ will be sanctifying me my whole life, but He has covered me in His blood, taken my shame and punishment upon Himself. I am so far from what I want to be, what I should be. However, God has said that He will finish the good work that He has started. God is faithful even when I am not.

In all my desiring to be different, "better," I can easily lose sight of my Savior, and of glorifying His name, and I can begin to see the gospel through the lens of "self-help" instead of in worshipping Him.

I would appreciate prayers that my focus would be more fully set on Christ, even though the changes and unknowns can clamor for my attention.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace"

Short Post

       I meant to post earlier today, but now it's getting late and I'm ready for bed! So, I'll put these pictures and a brief update of the week. 

       I bought jewelry making supplies for the girls, they have been having fun making earrings, (as have I!) We had a Christmas party with the boys on Friday, and tomorrow we are having a party with the entire foundation. 

       Christmas day, after spending the morning with the boys, I will be going to the girls' house to pick up some of the older ones, we are going to get coffee and then come back to my apartment (more accurately, go upstairs to my friend's apartment because she is out of town and said we could use her TV and couch. ;) ) and we are going to watch the Nutcracker. Then I'll drop the girls off at their house, come back to my place, and buy my tickets to come home at the end of February.

       It is finally sinking in today that I am missing Christmas at home with my family and church family- I'm glad to spend the day with the kids, but I'm missing home today and 9 weeks feel longer than it did yesterday. I had to laugh as I realized that I was sitting mournfully at my table, singing along with Bing Crosby, 'I'll Be Home For Christmas'

      My friend and her husband did, however, take me out for lunch as my Christmas gift, so that was fun! 

      I had all sorts of things to write about during the week, and I kept saying "I should write this down now so that I remember," but I didn't, and now I don't remember, so I'm going to bed and going to hope that I can formulate something better for next week! (Which I should be able to, because of all the activities these next two days!!!)

    Merry Christmas to you all, 

    With love, 

    Susannah