5 Weeks

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." 

That line has tumbled around in my mind throughout this past year as I have watched a few kids get adopted, and seen the kids that are left behind. I've seen volunteers come and go, some of them tearfully. Now, as I think of my own departure it comes to mind more frequently. 

I wonder if  I have done "what I was supposed to," I don't know the exact reason that God brought me here, maybe I never will, maybe I will see it when I return home, at least perhaps I'll see what He taught me in my time away. What I do know, is that He has given me a blessed opportunity to spend this past year with the kids. I remember being terrified to begin working with the older kids at the end of November, now I am sad to have not had more time with them.

Earlier this week, somehow a conversation came up between me, the director, and a couple of the other tias,  about my departure date. One of the tias gave me a hug and made a comment about my leaving. One of the girls, Belinda, overheard. 

"You're leaving Tia?" She asked me.

"Well, not yet, but yes, I'm going back to my country soon." 

"When?" She asked, throwing her arms around my waist. 

"The end of February," I told her.

"But you're coming back?"

"No- maybe I'll come back to visit someday, but not to live," I said, tears welling up in my eyes at the realization of that fact.

"You will come back," She said, squeezing me tighter.

Another young girl came up, "You are leaving? When?" 

I repeated my departure date.

"We still have time though!" She said cheerfully.

Belinda (still hugging me,) cut her off, "but the sad thing is that she's leaving!" 

Oh, what a mixture of emotions! At that very moment, my phone was buzzing in my pocket with a text message from my cousin, (about the same age as Belinda!) telling me that she couldn't wait for me to be back. 

I went from that to a Bible study with Kathryn, (which has been really good so far! I hope we are able to finish the book before I leave.) It is called, 'Gospel Identity' 

In addition to the Bible study, our conversation kept turning to my time here and the transition back home, so that has been really helpful and I am very thankful that she has been able to take time out of her busy schedule to spend Wednesday afternoons with me! She's been a great friend and a wonderful example this year and I will miss her when I leave. 

Next Friday will be my last day of classes at the language school, the goodbyes are beginning. 

 It was so fun to see them playing with their dinosaurs and listen to the details of their game. I felt like my mother though, because my first thought was, "It's nice to see kids making up stories and playing with toys without needing pokemon cards." 

They kept coming up to me asking, "What is this one called tia?" My knowledge of dinosaur names is limited in English, in Spanish, it is virtually non-existent! When I didn't know the names, they would then inquire regarding that specific dinosaur's eating and hunting habits. I was fairly certain that one was an herbivore and I told them that it probably ate grass, only to be corrected by a 6-year-old telling me, first that it had to eat meat since it was a dinosaur, and then when I pointed out a few aspects that made me think it didn't eat meat, he switched and said that it ate leaves. He was upset though because the dinosaurs were all fighting each other, and a leaf-eating dinosaur hardly seems a threat. After consulting with a couple of the other boys, he decided that his leaf-eating dinosaur had a dangerous tail, and thus commenced the happy battle of dinosaurs!!!

 

 My boys... I only get to see them two days a week, which means that I only have ten days left with them. :( 

 There are two girls named 'Damaris' at the girls' house, they are commonly referred to, "Damaris grande" and "Damaris pequeña." Both of them fell asleep on me earlier this week. It was actually quite relaxing, I almost joined them in dreamland!

As much as I will miss everyone here, I truly am looking forward to seeing you all at home again! 

I hope that you all have a wonderful week!

In Christ,

Susannah

6 Weeks Remaining

    I think that instead of trying to come up with titles for these posts, I'll just write the remaining number of weeks!

     In the upcoming weeks, aside from normal life, I have a few last things to purchase as gifts for my family, then a long weekend trip to Uyuni (the salt flats) and then with money that the girls made from selling on Facebook the earrings that they made, (thank you again to everyone who participated in that!!!) we are going to put together an outing to the movie theater, complete with popcorn, and maybe even arcade games! (More details to come!) I also am hoping to do a movie and salteña day with the boys, (but at their house, since they are younger and it would be harder to take them all out!) Then, I'll be cleaning my apartment, the owner will come through for a final inspection (I've heard that she tends to make each tenant paint when they leave) so I might have to do a painting day.) Other than that, I'll say goodbye, eating the last of Bolivian-made food, and preparing to get on a plane. 

Goodness. I kind of sound as if I have 6 days left, rather than 6 weeks, but at the speed that time has been passing, that's kind of what it feels like!

 We realized that, for all the time we spend together, we don't have many pictures together! 

 These two were so cute playing together! I had brought two volunteers with me that day, so they played with the big kids downstairs, Damaris and Marcela wanted to play upstairs, and for once, I was able to join them! 

I was trying to take pictures of the boys while they played with the dog, because it was cute! But Josue noticed and shouted to the rest, "Everyone get back, Tia wants a picture of the dog!!!"

Happy 2019!

Happy New Year!
I happily went to bed at 9 pm in 2018 and was awoken in the first seconds of 2019 by shouting, fireworks, and church bells! My neighbors then decided to blare music and sing from midnight until I left my house at 7:45 in the morning. It was quite the party!

Thursday I went to the girls' house in the afternoon because they had asked for me to help judge something. What I hadn't realized was that it would turn out to be a full-on, 2 hour and 45 minute, talent show/beauty pageant and one of the other tias was pretending that we were on national TV. Complete with impromptu interviews and regular ad slots. It was quite the production!

A Bolivian friend of mine came with me to church today, then we went grocery shopping and came back to my house to cook! She taught me how to make a Bolivian dish, I then taught her how to make earrings.

It's hard for me to find things to write about, life just feels so normal. I can't post good pictures of the kids that I so dearly would love to introduce you to. Writing about them doesn't do them justice. I want you to hear the inflections of their voice, to see their smiles, laugh with them, joke with them, watch them interact with each other... And I can't share all that in a blog post.
I could tell you about the woman on the corner who I have to pay to dispose of my trash, I could tell you how she always seems grumpy and tends to terrify me.
I could tell you how the baristas at the coffee shop, where I get off of my trufi after work at the girls' house, now know what I get (because I get the same thing every single time.)
I could tell you of the incredible variations of my emotions from one moment to the next, "I can't wait to be home, seven weeks feels too long." And the next minute, "I can't believe I have to leave, I'm going to miss the kids so much."
I could tell you of my fears of the unknown, where I will work, what the next year will hold...

I could tell you of my frustrations in my walk with God, I want to know Him more deeply, to find my utmost joy in being in His word and in prayer. I could tell you of my feelings of failure when I waste an hour on Netflix instead of in Scripture. I want to tell you that I wake up at 5 am to pray for two hours before I leave for work because I can't start the day without it. More often than not I sleep until 6:45 and try to get in 30 mins to an hour of a Bible time to start my day, and it tends to be distracted. I could tell you all that I want to be, all that I'm not, and all that I pretend to be- but that would probably be a waste of time and words.

I am not the point.

I am a sinner. I fail, and I do so daily. I so often wander from my Shepherd's side, in search of my own way. In His love and faithfulness, He calls me back to Himself, gathering me into His capable, nail-scarred hands. My imperfections-my failures, though numerous, do not turn Him away. He knew them before He took them upon Himself in my place on Calvary. He came to earth as the babe we celebrated just recently because He already knew of my sins, He knew that I could never save myself.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be at the point where I can say that I "glorify God and enjoy Him forever" but that 'forever' part is still coming. Christ will be sanctifying me my whole life, but He has covered me in His blood, taken my shame and punishment upon Himself. I am so far from what I want to be, what I should be. However, God has said that He will finish the good work that He has started. God is faithful even when I am not.

In all my desiring to be different, "better," I can easily lose sight of my Savior, and of glorifying His name, and I can begin to see the gospel through the lens of "self-help" instead of in worshipping Him.

I would appreciate prayers that my focus would be more fully set on Christ, even though the changes and unknowns can clamor for my attention.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace"

Short Post

       I meant to post earlier today, but now it's getting late and I'm ready for bed! So, I'll put these pictures and a brief update of the week. 

       I bought jewelry making supplies for the girls, they have been having fun making earrings, (as have I!) We had a Christmas party with the boys on Friday, and tomorrow we are having a party with the entire foundation. 

       Christmas day, after spending the morning with the boys, I will be going to the girls' house to pick up some of the older ones, we are going to get coffee and then come back to my apartment (more accurately, go upstairs to my friend's apartment because she is out of town and said we could use her TV and couch. ;) ) and we are going to watch the Nutcracker. Then I'll drop the girls off at their house, come back to my place, and buy my tickets to come home at the end of February.

       It is finally sinking in today that I am missing Christmas at home with my family and church family- I'm glad to spend the day with the kids, but I'm missing home today and 9 weeks feel longer than it did yesterday. I had to laugh as I realized that I was sitting mournfully at my table, singing along with Bing Crosby, 'I'll Be Home For Christmas'

      My friend and her husband did, however, take me out for lunch as my Christmas gift, so that was fun! 

      I had all sorts of things to write about during the week, and I kept saying "I should write this down now so that I remember," but I didn't, and now I don't remember, so I'm going to bed and going to hope that I can formulate something better for next week! (Which I should be able to, because of all the activities these next two days!!!)

    Merry Christmas to you all, 

    With love, 

    Susannah

Reflections and Memories

    I realized that I only have ten weeks more of quiet afternoons, so I've finally begun trying to collect all my memories in one place, beginning with the airport in Peoria. Part of that "research" process, is reading my journal, emails, notes, prayer journal, etc, to remind myself of my initial thoughts, fears, struggles, and so on.
    Life has become so normal, even mundane at times, I don't really feel like a missionary, it just feels like- life. (Which can be frustrating because while I like things that look or sound big and glorious-the reality of my life is not quite hardly so fabulous or "holy" as I would like.) It is so strange to look back on my "early days." The days of being clueless in regards to the language, the days of being ignorant of the culture, the days of fearing public transport, the days of not knowing the kids, the days of loving the idea of loving the kids- Don't get me wrong, I liked them, but I didn't understand their words or their personalities and they really frustrated me. They still frustrate me at times, but it is a different kind of frustration now. It's the kind that can look at them, shake my head, rebuke them and then still cuddle up to read a story or have a tickle fight. The kind that, even though I have to punish them, they know I love them, and I know they love me. In my first months here, I didn't have any authority and barely any vocabulary, I would just get frustrated and feel like a failure.
      God has been gracious and taught me so much, the language for one, and also so much about how to love and live with these kids. He has opened my eyes and my heart to see their value and their brokenness, to reflect on the beauty of adoption, but also the tragedy that necessitates adoption.
      Then, He opened my eyes even more, yes they are orphans, but they are individuals that I have come to know and love for who they are, not just a pity for their fate, but a love for their smile, their laugh, their infatuation with fashion, or movies, or books, or stickers. To recognize their cries, to know how to set it right. My heart melts and breaks when I walk into the girls' house and my Fabi comes running to me calling, "Mami!!! Tia Mami!!!" Damaris close at her heels. It's interesting to see how relationships have developed and changed over the past ten months. I never would have thought that I would be closest with Fabiola out of all the kids, but so it is, (especially since the transition of homes.)
       In my first few weeks, even months here, I never imagined that my heart would squeeze and my eyes well with tears at the thought of having to say goodbye forever to these kids, but now it is true. I hated going to parties in my first few months here, I didn't know all the kids, I felt awkward and out of place and I didn't understand what was going on. Last night I went to a graduation party, (was an hour and a half late because I had trusted a twelve-year-old and not asked anyone else the time for the party!) I danced with the girls, young and older, laughed, talked with other tias, goofed off with a couple of the older girls, ate Bolivian food, switched between Spanish and English... All the things I never thought I'd be able to do. Or how earlier this week I was chatting with Dalia, (I think she's 16) and she saw that I had brought a book to read with the girls, she was asking if I had more books that I could lend her. In the midst of that conversation, I learned that she really wanted to read 'Pride and Prejudice' (one of my favorite stories ever!) I own the book and the movie, I told her I'd lend them to her, and her eyes got so big with excitement! Almost my entire Spanish book collection is now at the girls' house being passed around until all the older girls have read them. To be able to share my love of reading with a bunch of Bolivian high school girls has been a highlight this month, and something that I never imagined happening!

     This year has been marked with tears, guilt, shame, but also with joy, laughter, learning, and love. Many times this year I have cried out to God and said,
       "If I'm not serving you, I just want to go home. I don't see how I'm making a difference." While I certainly hope that I have made a difference for the Kingdom of God, I wouldn't change these months for the world, unless it would be to go back to my hardest months and tell myself that the time goes too fast, to stop whining and to embrace a little more the moment. To stay a little longer at the orphanage with the kids, even if I'm tired, to laugh a little harder with Raquel, to chat a little longer with Josue, to answer Jose Luis' questions a twentieth time... Time goes too fast, memories become distant, and children grow up too fast, I'll go home, and life will go on- but oh these precious children, I want their memories to last forever in my mind. (Actually, I want to bring them all home with me... But that won't be possible.)

I have learned so much, and these kids have come to mean so much to me, more than I could have imagined. God is good, He is faithful, He knows what He is doing, and He has filled my heart with thankfulness, love, and joy.

A Short Post

    This week has been tiring, but good! I find that being with the older kids is totally fun, though mentally tiring because they actually want to talk and receive intelligent sounding responses in Spanish!
     Not much out of the ordinary has happened, except for a day of blockades over a political situation.
     It's been good to be seeing the girls again, little Damaris has fallen asleep on my a couple of times. That has been so fun, I've missed her, as well as the other girls!
     Nothing much to report, my friends, that live in the apartment above me, left for the States this afternoon. They won't be back until 2019. (Isn't that crazy???) I'm a little jealous because they will be 45 minutes from my house for part of their time, but I also know that my time to go home is coming and that I need to keep my eyes and heart set on the time that I have left with the kids here.

First Week of New Kids

      This week was busy, I had a couple long days at the baby house as the girls moved into the girls home, and then the boys were combined with the boys from house 2. I am really enjoying getting to know the new boys, they are really precious. I have also been the main tia in the mornings (which no one told me that was going to happen) but remarkably, it is going well! Tomorrow will be my first day at the girls' house, I am looking forward to seeing the girls that I have been with the past 9 months, and I hope that my reception from the older girls will be as delightful as it has been with the younger boys.
       As I have been with the 2 to 9-year-old boys, I have become increasingly thankful for the times that I was able to play with my brothers, and various friends, soccer and, on occasion, baseball. It has come in very handy with these boys! (As I highly doubt they would enjoy sitting in my lap reading a story.) We ran around the yard kicking soccer balls and playing catch, granted, I still tire much faster than they do, (and there is no way that I'll consider competing against the bigger boys!) but I was able to hold my own amongst the young ones and have fun with them!
       There was one point where I was scratching out a grocery list while the boys were playing, two of them came up to me, Joel (9) and Alejandro (8) and they were trying to read it. It was so cute to hear Joel's pronunciation of the English words, each time he'd look up and say, "What's that?" Then Alejandro wanted to try, "It's in English." I warned him. He looked at me as if I had just told him that I live in a castle in the sky, "You speak English???" Alejandro also gave me random hugs throughout the day on Friday, so that was precious. My fears of not being able to understand the boys have been mostly unfounded, so that is relieving. I also will get a lot more Spanish practice now, because the kids are at an age where they really want to converse, not just read stories or receive orders. 
     
     Abrahan was freaking out and throwing a fit with another tia a few days ago, I had finished eating so I offered to take him out of the dining room to talk with him. He was angry because he didn't want to eat liver (I couldn't blame him too much for that!) but then because of that, he had thrown his silverware and so they gave him a spoon in place of a fork. Then he was angry because he didn't want to eat with a spoon. All that to say, I had him on my lap explaining repeatedly that "Though you don't want to eat with a spoon, you have to accept that it is your punishment, and next time you'll remember that if you want to use a fork you musn't throw it on the floor."

"But I don't want to eat the meat!" He wailed next.
"There are lots of people in the world that don't have meat or spoons." I proceeded sagely, "We should thank God for giving us yummy meat and spoons to eat with." I then began to pray with him and explain to God that Abrahan was upset and didn't want to obey, and to ask God to help Abrahan to obey. I also thanked God for spoons and meat... I don't think I have ever thanked God for a spoon before!!! Anyway, we finished and I hoped that it would end the argument. While it did help to calm Abrahan down, he still adamantly refused to eat. He started to get comfy and I could picture me being there for another hour if I kept him on my lap, so I set him on to the floor where we could sit facing each other. That started another battle,
"I'm going to get dirty!!!!!" He screamed at me. (Mind you, this is a three-year-old boy who doesn't like to wash his face and hands and loves to play in the dirt and eat food off the floor.) I looked at him and huffed something in Russian, he started to throw an even bigger fit. Just out of curiosity I switched to English, he didn't like that very much either.
I went back to Spanish and informed him, "I know the night tias and have worked with them before, our floors are always clean. You won't get dirty." As I spoke, I grabbed his arm so that he couldn't throw himself down in a temper. The next thing I knew he was screaming, "You'll get me dirty with your hands!!!"
Oh, that child.
I looked at him and very calmly said, "My hands are clean."
He finally calmed down and agreed to go back into the dining room. He sat down, and as soon as he saw the spoon he began to lose it again.
"Abrahan, eat with your spoon or I will speak to you in Russian." I threatened, needing a sense of humor to get me through this episode of daily life.
He didn't start eating, so I began to say "I'll speak to you in Russian" (but in Russian) and he freaked out, so I switched back to Spanish and said, "I'll speak to you in Spanish now, but you have to eat!!!" And that helped! Granted, I had to spoon feed him, but he ate from a spoon and all of his food.

        Can you believe that December is finally here? It has been hard to feel the traditional, mid-western, "Christmasy" theme, but today has brought almost constant rain and chilly temperatures. It feels like an Illinois December! I've been listening to Handel's Messiah and drinking cups of hot tea and coffee, I was going to have brownies too, (I splurged at the grocery store, brownies from the US are pretty expensive here.) Anyway, I put them in the oven and went to find an open coffee shop while they baked. It is "Dia del peaton" (Pedestrian day) So that means that no cars are allowed to be out. It was really peaceful, and the air was crisp and a tad drizzly, but thankfully not fully raining for the time that I was out. I went in a great big circle, doing the rounds of my favorite coffee shops to find one that wasn't closed, the fourth one that I checked on was open. I bought my coffee and headed back to my apartment, only to find that I had guessed wrong on the temperature that I set my oven at. (It doesn't have any way of knowing what temperature it's at, and this was my first time using it.) So my expensive and going-to-have-been-delicious brownies were burnt to a crisp. 

    Dreaming of home, of white Christmases, of my piano, of my piles of books, of thrift stores, of my church, friends, discussing the height of the corn and the amount of rain, of going back to school. 12 weeks isn't so very long, that's how many more Sunday blog posts I will write before coming home. Time passes so quickly, and even faster now, the weeks will soon be in the single digits. So, in the midst of my dreaming, I am also thankful that I am here in this beautiful country with these sweet children. I will miss pedestrian days, street food on every corner (in addition to little tiendas) the kids just ten mins away, friends in the apartment above me, public transport that gives a different view into Bolivian lives- it is all beautiful, everything in its own way. Just as the sun setting behind a bunch of haybales thrills my heart, things here have become that way too. Isn't God neat? His creativity is incredible, not only in the way he created cultures, languages, people, but also His way of taking unlikely circumstances and using them to teach me and grow me. When I first got here I was not in love with this place. It seemed weird, (it is still weird, but in a  funny, quirky way now.) I couldn't understand anything, I didn't fit in, and I just wanted to come home. This week I received a uniform, (FINALLY!) It is a very Bolivian style and I love it. I wear it proudly- I finally feel like a real tia!!! (Plus, the pockets are huge and incredible!) I went to a laundry mat and a pharmacy chatted with the lady doing my laundry, stopped in at random shops, went in different streets this morning just to see what I would find (and I didn't freak out about getting lost!) My landlady came over to give me the contract and discuss it a bit, as well as figure out some payment details, I didn't need a translator. I know I've been saying this for a while, but to be able to communicate is so incredibly humanizing!!!

     People, cultures, languages, they are all beautiful and unique. I am ever so thankful that God has created them!!!

Thanksgiving, Moving, and Dreaming of Snow

Hey everyone!

     I hope that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I enjoyed mine, though I didn't do anything huge. I went out to dinner with my friend and her husband and got ice cream afterward. :)

      I am writing from my new apartment, it is quiet, too quiet. I miss the kids calling through my window, banging on my door, shouting my name whenever they see me. I miss knowing which kids are obeying, which ones aren't. I miss hearing everything that is going on.
It is a little strange, I hadn't realized how much I actually interacted them when I was "off the clock" (if you will.) God is good and has His plan though. If moving ten minutes away has put me in such a mood of heartache, then it is probably a good thing that I'll have three months to get used to it before I move a continent away. I really do like my apartment, the luxury of having a kitchen and a bathroom all to myself is quite something.

     Whilst unpacking and arranging all of my things yesterday, I listened to Christmas music. I also have my Bolivian nativity scene set up on my dresser. It is not the same as being home, my mom sent me pictures of our house, the Christmas lights were on, lighting up the garland, the stockings hung in their place. The house was dark except for the Christmas lights. It made me ache a little bit inside. One of my favorite things to do in the month of December is creeping out of my room when everyone else is in bed, and sitting on the couch in the quiet, surrounded by the multitude of white lights, and look at the shadowy snow outside. The pictures gave me the longing to do the same, to feel the tranquility of a still winter night, knowing that I am surrounded by my family. In a way, it is similar to how I felt living at the baby house, though the moments of complete silence were few and far between!

      I know though, that God has brought me here for this time. I'll still be able to spend Christmas day with the kids, even though I won't be living with them. The Christ whose birth we especially call to mind and celebrate on December 25, is every bit as much the Savior of the world here in Bolivia, without snow, as He is in the United States, or any other part of the world. (That being said, "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" shall still be playing in my head until Christmas passes!)

                                                                 Psalm 61:1-5

"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the ends of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! For you, O God, have heard my vows; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name." 

Psalm 62:5-7

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God."

Have a wonderful week! 

Pictures

I spent the weekend at my friend's house and her husband took us around to several smaller towns farther out in the country. This week will be my last week living at the baby house, come Saturday I will be moving into my new apartment. I would appreciate prayers for all the transitions for the kids (and me) and that I would find my all in Christ alone. 

 Abraham scratched me while he was throwing a fit and the office tias had him make this for me. <3