The Missionary Who Didn't Want to go to Church

     Friday marked the first day of Spring here in Bolivia, (it was as well, 'the day of love,' 'friendship day,' and 'day of the student.') What does Spring weather feel like in Bolivia? Well, it means that the lovely 70 degree days are rapidly shifting into 80-degree weather with blustery afternoons, and skies that are filled with the grey whisperings of the all-too-rapidly-arriving rainy season. 

    On Friday, the kids got to stay home from school and play in a pool that the tias had set up on Thursday. They were so excited!!! Fabiola kept hugging me and squealing as we waited for Tia Angie to tell her that she could get in, and Raquel couldn't sit still either! Unfortunately, Fabiola confided in me later that she wished she could have played in the baby pool because the big one (2-3 feet deep) scared her. Marcella was also terrified as soon as she got into the pool, she held to the edge and wouldn't move a muscle. "I'm going to fall," she said repeatedly, close to tears. Tia Erika somehow managed to do a quick change into swimwear and hopped into the pool to ease the girls' fears. Yobani and Santiago, however, were instantly enamored with the pool and proceeded to splash and squeal with two-year-old glee the entire time! 

    Saturday I went over to Kathryn and Gustavo's apartment with Kayla, and Terrilyn (another missionary) came over and most of the older girls from the transition program (many of whom are also tias at the baby house) we had pizza and watched a show. I barely spoke, because I'm very timid in Spanish, thankfully Terrilyn kept the conversation going and helped to make it a more comfortable time. I think it was fun! 

    This morning I woke up dreading going to church, I have missed a couple Sundays as it is, my friends weren't going to be there and I still don't know any other people, I was tired, and I just didn't want to put forth the effort, and I much prefer listening to sermons online from home. I texted my dad hoping that he would say, "It's okay to take time to yourself with God." Which he kind of did, but he also helped me to see my selfishness and pointed me to Christ in it. 

I realized that the verse "Do not neglect gathering together" kept going through my mind and that I really was just wanting to stay home out of selfishness. I also knew, that with the attitude I had at the moment, I would not be able to actually worship God at home. (Not that it's never okay to stay home from church, but, for me this morning it wasn't okay to stay home, and my attitude towards the church I attend was purely negative. So I, rather grumpily, got dressed and hurried to church. I walked in right at the meet and greet time, for the first time in several weeks was greeted by a lady who had introduced herself to me some weeks before. The music was an encouragement and the sermon was taught by a visiting pastor from the States on loving one another. 

   I was close to tears several times during the service, 

1- because I'm just overly emotional in general and cry quite easily these days, 

2- because I realized that I had been fighting with God about coming to worship Him, I hadn't wanted to because I was afraid of the awkwardness of being alone, but sitting in that service and singing songs of praise in the midst of the congregation, I didn't feel alone. 

    Once again, God's ways are better than my ways. Thankful for His faithfulness in working through my dad and in my own heart to go even though staying at home and listening to a sermon on my own would have been "easier." He filled me with His perfect joy and peace, even though I had woken up in discontent and frustration.

Psalm 40:16-17

"But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, 'Great is the Lord!' As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God."

                                                                        Psalm 73:28

"But for me, it is good to be near God; 

I have made the Lord God my refuge, 

that I may tell of all your works."

Sucre

    I cut my long weekend in Sucre one day short, for a couple reasons, one, I was sick and being away from home and sick is never fun. Two, notice the word I used? HOME. It was interesting to see how it felt being away from the kids and from my room, I realized, this place really has become my Bolivian home, and I will miss it once I get back to Illinois even though I will be so happy to see my family again.

"Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

 -Alfred Lord Tennyson "In Memoriam A.H.H."-

    Nevertheless, it was fun to see another part of the country and taking the bus was a good experience that I don't care to repeat. It took 8 hours of winding roads on the edges of mountains. The thought crossed my mind a couple times, "God I trust you, but I don't trust this driver!!!"  I know, much could be said for the theology of that statement, but it helped me to laugh to myself and loosen my grip on the arm of my seat, at least for that particular curve.
 Also, just sitting on a bus for 8 hours when you know that you could have gotten there in 30 mins by airplane is hard to accept. The fun part of the bus ride was getting to know the people I was traveling a little bit, and watching them interact with each other. It was a fun group to be a part of!

   Sucre is pretty and our hotel was GORGEOUS! We arrived at 4 in the morning on Friday and went to our hotel, he wouldn't let us check in until noon, but he did allow us to leave our bags in the lobby so that we didn't have to lug them with us around the city for eight hours!!!! Despite being tired, it turned out to be one of the best parts of the trip for me. It was so quiet, with no traffic and very few other people, we got to walk around and see the architecture and view the general landscape of the city without the noise of cars and busses.

   Maribel, my seat partner both ways! We also managed to get lost on Saturday and spent a couple hours wandering around, buying chocolates and souvenirs, taking pictures, and just hanging out!  (Another favorite time of mine!)

 After an almost forty-five minute drive through the dusty countryside, (and I mean dusty. In some places, it was two inches of very fine yellow dust.) we arrived at what was supposed to be a beautiful waterfall... It is the dry season, there was naught but a trickle!!! The rest of our group hiked down to see if they could find anything more, but Mary and I stayed up on top of the hill and admired the scenery. 

 

 The view from the hotel cafeteria.

  The breakfast came with the price of the hotel room, they also had an amazing coffee stand with a cappuccino maker. (Another highlight of the trip!!)

 The courtyard of the hotel. All the rooms look out into this area. 

 Most of our group at about 5 am. The dog followed us around for probably an hour!

 Me with my roommate, Mary. I haven't had many opportunities to talk with her, so it was really nice to get to know her a little bit better! 

 At a museum 

              The hotel  

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands." 

Psalm 19:1

Seasons Changing

A couple that have been very dear friends to me needed to return to the states indefinitely for a family emergency, (prayers for them would be appreciated.)

For a language victory story: There was a German girl volunteering last week and one day this week, we were chatting (in Spanish) and I asked her if she spoke English. She responded that she did. I asked which she preferred. She told me that English was easier, but then proceeded to tell a story about how switching between languages was confusing for her... In Spanish... and we continued speaking in Spanish the entire time. It was a fun sort of accomplishment! 

My dreamy mind is always occupied, but I am continually being reminded that God must be first above all the people and things that I love, and before all of my dreams, He is the One who is and was and will always be, and He gave Himself for me. He has been gracious this week to continue pointing me back to Him and reminding me why I am here, as well as giving me opportunities to serve in different ways than usual. Also, as the weeks feel to be going by faster now, I am reminded to love the children, and being here, as much as I can in every moment that I am given.

Psalm 27:7-9

"Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, 'Seek my face.' My heart says to you, 'Your face, Lord, do I seek.' Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation!"

Thursday night I am leaving Cochabamba on an overnight train with a group from my language school to spend a long weekend in the city of Sucre. I am finally venturing out to get to know a little more of Bolivia!!! 

The weather here is getting warmer which makes me think of being home, skirts, airconditioning, bruschetta freshly made from produce in our garden, volleyball, and bare feet. My rose-colored glasses graciously leave out the gnats, sticky humidity, mosquitoes, snakes, frogs/toads, and weeds. I'm actually enjoying a little bit of heat, seeing as I left Illinois in February and arrived in Bolivia just in time for their winter. 

I added pictures from a photo shoot I did with the kids, I will add the ones where you can actually see faces in the email at the end of the month! It was fun, however, the scarves, that I had taken out to keep the kids entertained while I snapped pictures, got dragged all through the dirt!!! 

My Bolivian University

     Last week (really, quite a bit of August,) I was sad and emotional and I spilled it all out into my newsletter and blogs. This week I want to make the point that, despite what it may seem like from my writing at times, God hasn't abandoned me nor have I given up. He has blessed me immensely by giving me this year to get to know Him better and to serve with the team here to these little ones that are so incredibly loved by God. I was reading earlier entries in my journal this week, I discovered an entry that referred to my time here as "my Bolivian university" Before coming to Bolivia I didn't know exactly what I wanted to study but I wanted to study something, I wanted to learn Spanish, I wanted to learn more about working with children, I considered some sort of theology course because I wanted to learn more about God... Now here I am learning more about God as I have to rely on Him, learning Spanish and spending my week with twelve rambunctious and precious children. Hence the name, "My Bolivian University."
    Having passed the half-way point in my time here, it is beginning to feel like it is going faster, or the time that remains doesn't seem as impossible, I'm not quite sure which! Realizing the time that I have left and reflecting on my time looking back and thinking on the posts I have written, I have been challenged and reminded so many times to keep in mind the eternal picture. I need to fix my eyes on Christ, the reason that I am here, and He will strengthen me and equip me to show His love to the children and tias that I work with.
    I have the amazing privilege to be able to get to know these kids, to hold them, hug them, break up their fights, scold them when they get in trouble at school, give them a kiss goodnight, read them a story, get mad at them and have to apologize and see the incredible, instant forgiveness that they show me. I get to see a few of them go home to their adoptive families, I have to hear that others have a very slim chance of ever being wanted. God has given me a year to see the reality of the life of an orphan. As a seven-year-old my mind had pictured a much cleaner, happier, more fixable situation than what reality really is.
    No matter how good the intentions, an orphanage isn't a home.
    Despite the love that I, and those I work with, have for these kids, we aren't their parents and can never take that place.
    God forgive me when I lose my patience instead of showing extra grace, they are children. They have lost their parents in one form or another. They are unwanted by the world. May my words only ever make them feel loved and wanted, no matter what they have done. Yes, they need guidance and punishments, but they don't need my sharp words of irritation. I want to love as Christ loves me.
I sin so often, but He doesn't snap or threaten, He lovingly shows me where I have sinned and directs me back to Himself. He is rich in mercy and grace. Mercy and grace are undeserved. So yes, the kids shouldn't hit each other or yell disrespectfully at the tias, but neither should I be speaking sharply back. That doesn't set an example of kindness or love. I think I have mentioned before, but it has amazed me at the way a soft word really does change a kid's attitude. (Go figure, God's word is right!)

Proverbs 15:1

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

     In life God gives us the freedom to choose how we respond in situations, we can respond in the flesh or we can take every thought captive to Christ, and by His Spirit and grace, respond in a manner worthy of the gospel. I have spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, missing my family, missing familiarity, missing Dunkin' Donuts, missing the kids I nannied for, and just missing the freedom to do what I wanted. God forgive my selfishness! It hasn't been all the time, but it has been a regular occurrence. I have failed to see the amazing opportunity that God has given me to learn and grow and love. I have failed to be thankful that I have a family to go home to in 6 months. I have failed to be thankful for a bed and food and internet. I have failed to be thankful for many things.

    Assuredly, I will fail again, but for the moment God is opening my eyes to remind me of how richly I have been blessed, and to show me how often I have forgotten to be thankful. I have had my eyes on the small picture, missing baseball games, birthdays, and holidays, and I have forgotten that I only have so much time left with these kids. I get to go home in six months, but what will I have left behind? Will I have wasted my year in self-pity, or by some miracle, can God take me in the remaining time and show His love through me to these kids? I am praying that God transforms my heart to take my eyes off myself and to cause my actions, words, and thoughts to overflow with His love and merciful kindness. 

      Christ has set me an example to walk in, He left heaven to come to earth and endure so much suffering, even death on the cross, because of His love for me, lost and dead in my sin, He came to make me His own. I want my life to reflect the overwhelming truth of His love for me, and instead, I have so often found myself complaining about wanting to be home with my family. My family is not my right, they are a beautiful gift, given to me by God, and it's good to love them, but first, my love and allegiance must be to my God who loved me and gave Himself for me. I have lost myself in myself when I should have been lost in my Savior. 

     I am sure that at some point, probably sooner than later, I will lose myself in selfishness again because I am a sinner, but I am a sinner saved by grace, and in His grace, He will call me back to Himself and reveal my sin. For now, I am thankful that He has opened my eyes to my sin and to show me the blessing that He has given me, and I am prayerful and hopeful- not the hope that is passing and frail, but the hope that is sure and steadfast- that He will transform me and make me more into His likeness and show me more of who He is and the riches of His grace that He has so bountifully bestowed upon my selfish soul that is always seeing greener grass on the other side of the fence.

Ephesians 5:1

"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

1 John 2:4-6

"Whoever says "I know Him" but does not keep His commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps His word, in Him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in Him: whoever says he abides in Him ought to walk in the same way in which He walked."

                                                                      

Psalm 118:24

"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."