5 Weeks

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." 

That line has tumbled around in my mind throughout this past year as I have watched a few kids get adopted, and seen the kids that are left behind. I've seen volunteers come and go, some of them tearfully. Now, as I think of my own departure it comes to mind more frequently. 

I wonder if  I have done "what I was supposed to," I don't know the exact reason that God brought me here, maybe I never will, maybe I will see it when I return home, at least perhaps I'll see what He taught me in my time away. What I do know, is that He has given me a blessed opportunity to spend this past year with the kids. I remember being terrified to begin working with the older kids at the end of November, now I am sad to have not had more time with them.

Earlier this week, somehow a conversation came up between me, the director, and a couple of the other tias,  about my departure date. One of the tias gave me a hug and made a comment about my leaving. One of the girls, Belinda, overheard. 

"You're leaving Tia?" She asked me.

"Well, not yet, but yes, I'm going back to my country soon." 

"When?" She asked, throwing her arms around my waist. 

"The end of February," I told her.

"But you're coming back?"

"No- maybe I'll come back to visit someday, but not to live," I said, tears welling up in my eyes at the realization of that fact.

"You will come back," She said, squeezing me tighter.

Another young girl came up, "You are leaving? When?" 

I repeated my departure date.

"We still have time though!" She said cheerfully.

Belinda (still hugging me,) cut her off, "but the sad thing is that she's leaving!" 

Oh, what a mixture of emotions! At that very moment, my phone was buzzing in my pocket with a text message from my cousin, (about the same age as Belinda!) telling me that she couldn't wait for me to be back. 

I went from that to a Bible study with Kathryn, (which has been really good so far! I hope we are able to finish the book before I leave.) It is called, 'Gospel Identity' 

In addition to the Bible study, our conversation kept turning to my time here and the transition back home, so that has been really helpful and I am very thankful that she has been able to take time out of her busy schedule to spend Wednesday afternoons with me! She's been a great friend and a wonderful example this year and I will miss her when I leave. 

Next Friday will be my last day of classes at the language school, the goodbyes are beginning. 

 It was so fun to see them playing with their dinosaurs and listen to the details of their game. I felt like my mother though, because my first thought was, "It's nice to see kids making up stories and playing with toys without needing pokemon cards." 

They kept coming up to me asking, "What is this one called tia?" My knowledge of dinosaur names is limited in English, in Spanish, it is virtually non-existent! When I didn't know the names, they would then inquire regarding that specific dinosaur's eating and hunting habits. I was fairly certain that one was an herbivore and I told them that it probably ate grass, only to be corrected by a 6-year-old telling me, first that it had to eat meat since it was a dinosaur, and then when I pointed out a few aspects that made me think it didn't eat meat, he switched and said that it ate leaves. He was upset though because the dinosaurs were all fighting each other, and a leaf-eating dinosaur hardly seems a threat. After consulting with a couple of the other boys, he decided that his leaf-eating dinosaur had a dangerous tail, and thus commenced the happy battle of dinosaurs!!!

 

 My boys... I only get to see them two days a week, which means that I only have ten days left with them. :( 

 There are two girls named 'Damaris' at the girls' house, they are commonly referred to, "Damaris grande" and "Damaris pequeña." Both of them fell asleep on me earlier this week. It was actually quite relaxing, I almost joined them in dreamland!

As much as I will miss everyone here, I truly am looking forward to seeing you all at home again! 

I hope that you all have a wonderful week!

In Christ,

Susannah

6 Weeks Remaining

    I think that instead of trying to come up with titles for these posts, I'll just write the remaining number of weeks!

     In the upcoming weeks, aside from normal life, I have a few last things to purchase as gifts for my family, then a long weekend trip to Uyuni (the salt flats) and then with money that the girls made from selling on Facebook the earrings that they made, (thank you again to everyone who participated in that!!!) we are going to put together an outing to the movie theater, complete with popcorn, and maybe even arcade games! (More details to come!) I also am hoping to do a movie and salteña day with the boys, (but at their house, since they are younger and it would be harder to take them all out!) Then, I'll be cleaning my apartment, the owner will come through for a final inspection (I've heard that she tends to make each tenant paint when they leave) so I might have to do a painting day.) Other than that, I'll say goodbye, eating the last of Bolivian-made food, and preparing to get on a plane. 

Goodness. I kind of sound as if I have 6 days left, rather than 6 weeks, but at the speed that time has been passing, that's kind of what it feels like!

 We realized that, for all the time we spend together, we don't have many pictures together! 

 These two were so cute playing together! I had brought two volunteers with me that day, so they played with the big kids downstairs, Damaris and Marcela wanted to play upstairs, and for once, I was able to join them! 

I was trying to take pictures of the boys while they played with the dog, because it was cute! But Josue noticed and shouted to the rest, "Everyone get back, Tia wants a picture of the dog!!!"

Happy 2019!

Happy New Year!
I happily went to bed at 9 pm in 2018 and was awoken in the first seconds of 2019 by shouting, fireworks, and church bells! My neighbors then decided to blare music and sing from midnight until I left my house at 7:45 in the morning. It was quite the party!

Thursday I went to the girls' house in the afternoon because they had asked for me to help judge something. What I hadn't realized was that it would turn out to be a full-on, 2 hour and 45 minute, talent show/beauty pageant and one of the other tias was pretending that we were on national TV. Complete with impromptu interviews and regular ad slots. It was quite the production!

A Bolivian friend of mine came with me to church today, then we went grocery shopping and came back to my house to cook! She taught me how to make a Bolivian dish, I then taught her how to make earrings.

It's hard for me to find things to write about, life just feels so normal. I can't post good pictures of the kids that I so dearly would love to introduce you to. Writing about them doesn't do them justice. I want you to hear the inflections of their voice, to see their smiles, laugh with them, joke with them, watch them interact with each other... And I can't share all that in a blog post.
I could tell you about the woman on the corner who I have to pay to dispose of my trash, I could tell you how she always seems grumpy and tends to terrify me.
I could tell you how the baristas at the coffee shop, where I get off of my trufi after work at the girls' house, now know what I get (because I get the same thing every single time.)
I could tell you of the incredible variations of my emotions from one moment to the next, "I can't wait to be home, seven weeks feels too long." And the next minute, "I can't believe I have to leave, I'm going to miss the kids so much."
I could tell you of my fears of the unknown, where I will work, what the next year will hold...

I could tell you of my frustrations in my walk with God, I want to know Him more deeply, to find my utmost joy in being in His word and in prayer. I could tell you of my feelings of failure when I waste an hour on Netflix instead of in Scripture. I want to tell you that I wake up at 5 am to pray for two hours before I leave for work because I can't start the day without it. More often than not I sleep until 6:45 and try to get in 30 mins to an hour of a Bible time to start my day, and it tends to be distracted. I could tell you all that I want to be, all that I'm not, and all that I pretend to be- but that would probably be a waste of time and words.

I am not the point.

I am a sinner. I fail, and I do so daily. I so often wander from my Shepherd's side, in search of my own way. In His love and faithfulness, He calls me back to Himself, gathering me into His capable, nail-scarred hands. My imperfections-my failures, though numerous, do not turn Him away. He knew them before He took them upon Himself in my place on Calvary. He came to earth as the babe we celebrated just recently because He already knew of my sins, He knew that I could never save myself.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be at the point where I can say that I "glorify God and enjoy Him forever" but that 'forever' part is still coming. Christ will be sanctifying me my whole life, but He has covered me in His blood, taken my shame and punishment upon Himself. I am so far from what I want to be, what I should be. However, God has said that He will finish the good work that He has started. God is faithful even when I am not.

In all my desiring to be different, "better," I can easily lose sight of my Savior, and of glorifying His name, and I can begin to see the gospel through the lens of "self-help" instead of in worshipping Him.

I would appreciate prayers that my focus would be more fully set on Christ, even though the changes and unknowns can clamor for my attention.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace"